Archive for October, 2008
Forgive Me, But More About The Subject, Please!! You Are Going Away From The Topic Too Frequently, Therefore It Is Uneasy To Read Your Posts.
October 18th, 2008
Forgive ME, but more about the subject, please!! You are going away from the topic too frequently, therefore it is uneasy to read your posts.
-ben2k7
Dear ben2k7,
I know what you mean. It’s like when I saw Spiderman 3. I’m enjoying the movie, chomping on Sour Patch Kids by the handful, when all of a sudden Peter Parker starts disco dancing. I’m like, WTF?*
The Sandman was a cool villain, though.
You know what other superhero movie I liked? The Dark Knight. That was a good flick. And you’d never catch Batman disco dancing. Iron Man was good, too. And The Incredible Hulk. And Hellboy II. And Hancock.
I watch too many movies, I guess. But I always liked superheroes. I wonder what it would be like to save the world… Oh, wait, I did that already.
I guess I am kind of a superhero. I wonder if they’d let me hang out with them. It would be pretty cool to join the Avengers or the Justice League. I could fight Lex Luthor or Dr. Doom. That would kick ass!
I bet the Avengers movie is gonna be better than the Justice League movie.
Anyway, thanks for your question about superhero movies.
Your friend,
Jesus H. Christ (the “H” stands for “HULK SMASH!!!”)
*Just so you know, when I say “WTF?” I’m not cussing. In Biblical terms, “WTF?” stands for “Why hast Thou Forsaken me?” See the below image.
Tags: batman, hancock, hulk, movies, parker, peter, spiderman 3, subject
Posted in Other Stuff | Comments (0)
If Adam and Eve Only Had Two Sons, How Did They Reproduce?
October 18th, 2008
If Adam and Eve only had two sons, how did they reproduce?
-Lisa
Dear Lisa,
Are you questioning my father’s abilities? He can pop babies into wombs at will. He could snap his fingers right now and you’d be eight months pregnant. How would you like that? In fact, I have half a mind to tell Him to do it. I’ll tell him to wait until you’re not expecting it, though. Then — BAM — swollen ankles, back pain, and stretch marks!
Well, I guess you’re entitled to ask the question. Let’s just say that incest was a lot more popular back then than it is today. Well, maybe not more popular, but more acceptable. I’ve seen the Jerry Springer show, I know what you people do.
Anyway, these days everyone knows that incestual reproduction replicates recessive traits in the gene pool, thereby weakening the bloodline. Well, you probably don’t know, but everyone else does.
But back then we didn’t even know what DNA was. God didn’t even know. He was shocked when they discovered it. He was so surprised He spit out His YooHoo.
So He doesn’t really condone incest anymore. After all, He can still see the damage that those first few generations of inbreeding did to the human race. And he doesn’t even have to turn on Jerry Springer.
Thanks for the question.
JC
Tags: adam, babies, baby, eve, jerry springer, reproduce, sons, yoo hoo
Posted in Religious Questions | Comments (1)
Who Are The Mexicans of the Asian World?
October 18th, 2008
who are the mexicans of the asian world?
-Burning Jew
Dear Burning Jew,
That’s an interesting name you’ve got there. I’m not sure why you’re burning, but you might want to go to the clinic and have it checked out. I could heal you, of course, if I wanted to — but I am not laying hands on that!
On to your question: the Mexicans of the Asian world are… the Mexicans! That’s right. The Mexican people are descended (primarily) from the Native Americans — the Aztecs, Olmecs, Mayans, and whatnot — who first migrated to what is now North America across what is now the Bering Strait from what is now Asia. Therefore, the Mexican people are of Asian descent. Crazy, isn’t it?
If you’re asking which Asian people are most like the Mexicans… that’s a tough one. There are a lot of Asian peoples who share qualities that are characteristic of Mexican people: they are hard-working, industrious, family-oriented, short, and low in facial hair. They also eat a lot of rice.
But you probably want an actual answer, huh? Okay… the Chinese. You happy, jackass?
Thanks!
Jeesus H. Christ (the “H” is for “hola”)
Tags: asians, mexicans
Posted in Social/Political Questions | Comments (0)
Well Jesus, I Would Like To Know If You Can Help Me Grow And Get Better At Baseball
October 18th, 2008
Well Jesus, i would like to know if you can help me grow and get better at baseball.. thanks 
-Bobby
Dear Bobby,
Are you trying to buy steroids from me? Listen, I got out of that racket after that whole Marion Jones thing in the Sydney Olympics. I told her to go for silver and nobody’d ever suspect her. But, no, she just had to be “the fastest woman on Earth”. (Little does she know, that title is already held by Cindy McNichols of Cincinnatti, who slept with a guy named Gary 10 seconds after meeting him. That kind of world record is hard to beat.)
The thing is, Bobby, using steroids has never worked out for anyone in the long run. Well, unless you count Arnold Schwarzenegger. He used steroids and became a champion bodybuilder. And then he became a famous movie actor, even though he couldn’t act and couldn’t even speak English at first (watch Conan if you don’t believe me.) And then he became a millionaire. And then he became Governor of California.
What was my point again? Oh, yeah… take steroids, Bobby, and one day you can be Governor of California.
Just don’t try to buy them from me, man.
Thanks!
Jeesus
Tags: baseball, jones, marion, olympics, roids
Posted in Other Stuff | Comments (0)
Does Taking Sterol Build Muscle Like Steroids?
October 18th, 2008
Does taking sterol build muscle like steroids?
-Dan
Dear Dan,
Sterol, by itself in it’s truest form, does not build muscle. In it’s truest form, sterol is an oil derived from steroids itself.
If you’re interested in building body mass, stick with the old school irons and eating right. What’s the point trying to accelerate a personal goal? You have to ask yourself, what’s the point of creating goals in the first place if you’re trying to ‘cheat’ your way to the top.
Do it righteous way and bask yourself with self-achievements and accomplishments.
The sole proprietor of the righteous way,
JC
Tags: muscle, roids, steroids, sterol
Posted in Science/Nature Questions | Comments (0)
Should Bible Classes Be Taught In Public Schools?
October 18th, 2008
Should Bible Classes Be Taught in Public Schools?
Blessed One
Dear Blessed One,
No. Bible classes should not be taught in public schools.
Don’t get me wrong: if a teacher wants to teach about the Bible as part of a Literature class, I have no problem with that. Next to The Da Vinci Code, the Bible is one of my favorite books. But there shouldn’t be a whole class for teaching the Bible.
That’s what your church is for, isn’t it? They should be teaching you about the Bible there. If they’re not, let me know and I’ll go have a little “talk” with them.
But if public school taught Bible classes, then people wouldn’t feel the need to go to church. They’d say, “Hey, why should I wake up early on Sunday? I learned about the Bible in school all week. I’m gonna sleep in and then watch ESPN all day!” And then their idle hands would become the devil’s workshop, and they’d start calling escort services by 2pm.
In addition to that, all of the companies that design and manufacture fancy church hats would go out of business, and the economy would be ruined.
Another problem is that if the Bible was taught in public schools, the government would have control over how it was taught. And you know how the government is. The teachers would have to change things around to be more “inclusive”, and everyone would learn about how Moses hung out with Buddha, and Muhammed had a seat at the Last Supper.
Also, if the Bible was taught in public school, think about the quality of the education. You see what a crappy job our schools do teaching our kids algebra. Do you really want them teaching the Bible? They won’t be able to get past Genesis without some ignorant kids asking stupid questions about things that don’t exist, like dinosaurs and solar fusion.
But the main reason that a Bible class shouldn’t be taught in public schools is simple: we here at headquarters like people to come to Christianity of their own accord. It works out better that way. If it was taught in public school, the kids would feel forced. And we all know that kids rebel against things that they’re forced to do. It’s human nature.
We’re big on the whole “free will” thing; we consider it one of our greatest accomplishments. So we want to force people to do things as rarely as possible. Even if they’re good things.
As a matter of fact, especially if they’re good things. That’s all the more reason that they should be a choice.
Thanks for the question,
JC
Tags: bible, class, public, schools, taught
Posted in Religious Questions | Comments (0)
If You Are Taking Creatine… Can You Drink Caffeinated Drinks And Not Ruin The Creatine?
October 18th, 2008
If you are taking creatine… can you drink caffeinated drinks and not ruin the creatine?
-Dan
Dear Dan,
I’m a bit biased against using any type of supplements to increase anything unless you were born with some type of natural deficiency.
Have you seen pictures of me before? All natural baby! I was looking good back in the days and I didn’t have to show it off wearing those tight, some what metro sexual muscle shirts. You don’t want to be like this weird guy..
Roid Head Loves Himself – Watch more Free Videos
If you insist on taking creatine, please let it be known that this is a supplement. Taking too much of a supplement will not give you super human king kong like strengths any quicker than taking the recommended amount. From what I have heard, taking too much will only benefit your accuracy-skills in regards to shooting laser beams from your eye-balls.
For best results, creatine should not be taken with caffeinated drinks. In some research, creatine mixed with caffeinated drinks actually slows the muscle building affects when taken with different type of drinks. Creatine would be best taken with glucose or fructose based drinks.
Your super duper ripped friend,
JC
P.S.- Please note, anything posted here is just for hurmor; so if you decide to drink that 8 gallon drum of creatine and land yourself in the hospital, you’re on your own. Don’t be blaming JC for new found dumbass-ness.
Tags: caffeinated, creatine, deficiency, drinks, natural, roids, soda
Posted in Science/Nature Questions | Comments (0)
Why Am I Not At The Top Of My Friends My Space List?
October 18th, 2008
dear jeesus,
i’m new at this whole my space thing and i already feel left out. why am i not at the top of my friends my space list? i feel very left out. how do i get to the top and not continue to be a “my space loser?”
-tom’s best friend
Dear Tom’s Best Friend,
Just hang in there. Myspace is just like anything else in life; we always have to start from the bottom and it’s up to us to climb up the ladder to accomplish our goals.
Don’t feel so bad, as I have finally created a myspace page a month ago and have been gaining friends here and there. Sure it’s a slow process, but that’s how I would like it to be. I would hate receiving 1,000+ requests a day saying, “I love you Jeesus! You’re so funny! May you please be my friend?!” I can bearly keep up with the 1,000+ requests just from you earthlings requesting ,”I love him, he beats me, should I stay with him?” Ugh! **Shakes head in disbelief**
I guess you’re a female so you have it pretty good for now, as most guys have to filter those strange friend’s request. You know, the request with some “nice” girl name Ashley wanting you to be her friend with a profile picture of her booty bent over, like she wants you to do something crazy to it.
Some times in life, things will come to you but for the most part, it would be best advise for you to create you own path and seek for those particular friends for yourself. Once you create a clear and clean path, usually the same quality of people will soon travel on that same road back to you.
And there is nothing wrong having Tom as your best friend; he has feelings too!
Your Best Bud,
JC!
-If you need a friend, I’ll be there for you. Just send a request to myspace.com/askjeesus.
Tags: friends, list, myspace, people, top
Posted in Social/Political Questions | Comments (0)
Can you Pleeeeeeeeease get rid of my hangover?
October 18th, 2008
omg im so hungover…Hey it’s my birthday Jesus!…so here’s my question…can you pleeeeeeeeease get rid of my hangover…im at work and i cannot function any longer…i have to save lives today…you know how that is….;)
-Carolina
Dear Carolina,
Let me get this straight: It’s your birthday. Today. On a Friday. And you decided to party last night and then show up to work in the morning?
You should have either waited until tonight to party or taken your birthday off from work. Nobody wants to work on their birthday, much less with a hangover.
Why do you think it is that God, after creating the Earth, rested on the seventh day? It’s because He was drunk all day on the sixth! Think about it: He had to be completely wasted to create humans and give them dominion over the Earth! He should have put the dolphins in charge, if you ask me. But I digress…
Sure, I could cure your hangover… if we were in the same room. Alone together. And if I had some massage oil and Marvin Gaye music.
But, unfortunately, that’s not the case. So here’s what you need to do:
1. Drink some hot ginger or peppermint tea with plenty of lemon juice in it. If you don’t have access to tea, try tomato juice. If you don’t have access to tomato juice, try chicken soup. If you don’t have access to chicken soup, try some more liquor. A little hair of the dog that bit you should get you through the day, although I can’t vouch for the quality of your work.
2. Have someone massage your scalp and neck. This not only eases headaches, but it also increases blood circulation and helps clear your system.
3. Swear to yourself that you’ll never drink again. This seems to make people feel better. Do not, however, swear to God that you’ll never drink again. Because we all know that you’re gonna be right back out there tonight sipping tequila shots off the chest of a male stripper named Raul.
If all of that fails, contact me again and I will see if I can come to where you are and work a miracle. I’ll bring the Marvin Gaye CD.
Happy Birthday!
JC
Tags: birthday, cure, drunk, hangover
Posted in Other Stuff | Comments (0)
Why Do Parents Take Away Cell Phones When They Know You Need It?
October 18th, 2008
why do parents love to take away cell phones from kids when they know they need it!!?
and then they expect you to call them to let them know where you are going to be?
-*Luigi*
Dear *Luigi*,
Since when do you need a cell phone? When I was a kid, I sure didn’t have a cell phone. If I wanted to call my buddy Luke, I had to climb to the top of a high hill, cup my hands to the side of my mouth, and yell “HEEEEYYYYY, LUKE!!!!”
Then again, if I wanted to let my dad know where I was, all I ever had to do was fold my hands together and pray…
But, no, you don’t need a stinking cell phone. You ever see those rectangular boxes outside with chewing gum stuck all over them? The ones with a strong odor of stale cigarettes and vomit inside them? Those are “pay phones”. Stick a quarter in the slot, dial the number, and you’ll be fine.
Don’t remember any numbers without your celly? You’re in luck! Half the time the pay phone booth will contain a “phone book”, which is a really thick book with most of the pages torn out of it. The person you’re calling may be listed in there.
But probably not. The only people listed are losers without cellphones. So call somebody else.
Want to text message? Sorry. Try writing a letter. You’ll have to wait longer for that booty-call, but it’ll be well worth it. Chicks dig getting letters.
Anyway, suck it up, you spoiled brat. You don’t know how good you have it.
Gotta go, I’m getting a message on my Blackberry.
Peace out,
Jeesus
Tags: cell, luke, parents, phones, take
Posted in Family Questions | Comments (0)
