Archive for October 18th, 2008
HELP!!! I Need Help With My Math Extra Credit Question!!
October 18th, 2008
Dear Jeesus,
I need extra credit………for tomorrow
What 4 positive numbers can be added and multiplied to get the same answer. The number is less than 100 and zeros don’t count. They must all be different numbers.
A+B+C+D= AxBxCxD=
Thanks a lot
-Ms. Math Trouble
Dear Ms. Math Trouble,
That’s a very difficult question. Fortunately, I earned two Bachelor’s Degrees from the University of Bethlehem. Luckily for you, one of them is in Advanced Theoretical Algebra. (The other one is in Cosmetology.)
To solve the problem, I had to first had to examine the facts that we know:
1) The four numbers are positive
2) None of the numbers is zero
3) None of the numbers is the same as any other
4) Fried chicken is delicious
5) The sum of the numbers is equal to their product
We first see that 1, 2, 3, and 4 are the only four whole numbers greater than zero whose product does not exceed 100. (1*2*3*4=24, 2*3*4*5=120)
Because these numbers do not fit the criteria (1+2+3+4=10, 1*2*3*4=24), then we have to come to the conclusion that the numbers are not whole numbers. At least not all of them.
Therefore, we know that at least some of the numbers are fractions (or decimals, if you prefer).
From that point everything is easy. Taking into account the deliciousness of fried chicken, it becomes apparent that the numbers are: 1, 2, 1.5, and 2.25.
(1+2+1.5+2.25=6.75)
(1*2*1.5*2.25=6.75)
If you think that’s impressive, you should see my cosmetology skills.
Thanks,
JC
Tags: credit, extra, math, problem, trouble
Posted in School/Work Questions | Comments (0)
Is it possible to fall in love with your bestfriend?
October 18th, 2008
Is it possible to fall in love with your bestfriend? And if so, do you recomend it? Would dating your bestfriend damage your friendship and cause you to hate each other? How do you know you like your bestfriend as more than a bestfriend? I am bestfriends with the most wonderful guy I’ve ever meet. I’ve known him for almost three years now and we get along super well. He’s basically the guy of my dreams. He’s everything I could ever want in a guy plus more….. But what if we mess up our friendship????? HELP!!! •_•
-Cupcake
Dear Cupcake,
I wish Cupid would have referred you to me before Valetine’s so I could make your day even more special but Oh well!
So, is it possible to fall in love with your bestfriend? Sure it is possible. Why not? Anything is possible; people fall in love with their brothers and sisters too! There are even some people who prefer loving their pet animals over people.
Going after your brother/sister isn’t something I would condone, but considering your best friend as a possible candidate for something greater (aka boyfriend) is definitely worth considering.
If you currently trust and confide in each other, communicate your thoughts and feelings to one another, then you already have a great foundation for something even greater than being just friends. Tell your friend how you really feel about him (and hopefully he will do the same) and if you two decide to flourish your relationship into a blossom of love and happiness, just make sure you express your expectations and guidelines.
As long you communicate, I believe no one will get seriously hurt if the relationship doesn’t work out and you don’t have to worry about any of your precious belongings showing up on EBAY and Craigslist.
I wish I could give you a formula of some sort but there are plenty of past examples out there on what not to do such as: Britney and K-fed, Paris and some horny toad dude.
Hopefully I answered your question,
JC
P.S- If it doesn’t work out, I have some interested people lined up here. 
Tags: bestfriend, boyfriend, girlfriend, love
Posted in Relationship/Dating Questions | Comments (0)
Show your Love with Some Stickers
October 18th, 2008
Interested in tagging your neighborhood with some cool stickers? Or you can just pass the word along to your friends with these cool and fresh Askjeesus.net Stickers!
The only thing you have to do is just email us your mailing address to jc@askjeesus.net. We’ll just have to scrub up some change for some stamps and eventually you should receive several stickers from us.
Askjeesus.net Stickers
P.S. – Don’t forget to submit us your questions! Big J is waiting to hear for you.
Tags: stickers
Posted in News and Announcements | Comments (0)
Should I Leave My Current Job For Another Job Opportunity?
October 18th, 2008
Should I leave my current job for another job opportunity?
-Amy
Dear Amy,
You didn’t give me a whole lot of information to work with, Amy. I mean, I know everything of course. But the other readers of the site might have been interested in more details: what is your current job, what is the new opportunity, have you ever been in a threesome, etc.
For all they know, your current job could be this one, in which case almost anything would be an improvement. Or you could be a Senator or a CEO, in which case you have one of the cushiest jobs in the world.
Well, except for Messiah. This job is a breeze. Once you get past that initial rough patch, anyway. I wouldn’t wanna do that again for anything.
But, to answer your question, Amy… IT’S ALL ABOUT THE BENJAMINS!!!
If you have a new job opportunity that pays more, then say good-bye to your old career and move on up like George and Weezy. Unless, of course, your current job might offer you more in the long run.
Or unless the new job is this one. That would just suck.
Hope I answered your question,
JC
Tags: current, job, opportunity
Posted in School/Work Questions | Comments (0)
How Do I Ask My Girlfriend For A Threesome
October 18th, 2008
I’ve been in a relationship with my girlfriend for the past 2 years. She’s a great girl and I do love her, but things are pretty boring in the bedroom. I’ve been wanting to bring up the possibility of having a three some, you know two girls and me. Since this a pretty risky thing how would you suggest I ask her? Any thoughts?
Sincerely,
Chunky lover 67
Dear Chunky lover 67,
It’s not easy to ask your girlfriend for a threesome. As you said, it’s risky. You should probably look into other ways to spice things up in the bedroom.
However, if you absolutely must have a threesome, here are a few sure-fire ways to ask:
1) Wait until she’s not really paying attention, then mumble “Ifyoupromisemeathreesomesaywhat”. She will reply by saying “What?”, and then you can tell her what you said. Tell her that she made a promise, and that you would never break a promise to her.
2) Find out who her girl-crush is. All women secretly have a girl-crush: one woman that they would be gay for. Find out who it is, and get her to offer the threesome. (It’s always better if you’re not the one to offer.) If your girlfriend’s girl-crush is someone famous and inaccessible, find a look-alike. It’s the next best thing. Your girlfriend will get to live out her secret lesbian fantasy, and you’ll get your threesome. It’s win-win.
3) Get your girlfriend in a dark room and start with some foreplay. Have the other girl sneak in and begin performing oral sex on your girlfriend. She will quickly realize that it’s not you, but if it’s done well she won’t pull away. You’ll be good to go.
4) As a last resort, let her have a threesome with you and another man first. No, you say? That’s disgusting? Well, think about how she feels? That’s why you shouldn’t have a threesome in the first place. Unless both people want to.
Just go to your local sex shop. They’ve got some stuff that’ll spice up your love life. I guarantee it, or I’ll pay you a million dollars*.
Good luck,
JC
*P.S. The above guarantee is not valid anywhere on Earth, elsewhere in the universe, or in the afterlife.
Tags: girlfriend, sex, threesome
Posted in Relationship/Dating Questions | Comments (0)
Why Not Allow Black Folk To Be Called Niggers?
October 18th, 2008
Hey son,
Why is it that the earthlings don’t seem to allow the sperior white race to call the balck folk niggers?
A little insight would be great.
Thanks
-Dad
Dear “Dad”,
Nice try, genius. Too bad my father never contacts me here. He has my personal email address and my cell phone number. Also, He knows that there is no superior race. And even if He was gonna ask such a jackass question as yours, He would spellcheck it before He sent it.
The fact is, my father already knows everything, so he wouldn’t have to ask. But, Whoever-you-are, since you did have to ask, I’m gonna answer your question.
The fact is that many people do endorse the use of the word “nigger” to describe black people. It is usually those who understand that all people are created equal and who are concerned about hurting one another’s feelings that discourage it. Since you don’t seem to be one of those people, allow me to educate you.
There are many black people who are smarter than you, more athletic than you, more talented than you, better looking than you, kinder than you, and superior to you in many ways. In fact, there are people of every race who could defeat you in any contest. So how could you consider your race superior?
Right now the only thing distinguishing you is your bigotry, and it’s not a good quality to have. It’s making you, personally, look quite inferior.
That being said, you have a right to be as ignorant as you want to. I just want you to know you have the ability to rise above it.
But think how you feel if someone called you a potato-picking paddy. Not very good, right?
Think about it.
Jeesus
Tags: black, folk, spellcheck
Posted in Social/Political Questions | Comments (0)
Why Do Priests Rape Little Kids?
October 18th, 2008
why do priests rape little kids?
-Cupcake
Dear Cupcake,
You’ve brought up a very serious issue, and I’m going to treat it seriously. Mostly.
First, to clarify, a lot of priests have been in the news after being accused of molestation of young children, primarily altar boys who the priests have been left alone with. In most cases, it is not forced sexual intercourse: it ranges from inappropriate touching to grooming that leads to consensual sex.
I’m not saying that the molestation is not as bad as forced sexual intercourse; it is just as horrendous. The distinction is in the way that the priests view it. They are able to convince themselves that they are guilty of a lesser sin than rape. They are able to attribute their actions to momentary weakness or Satan’s trickery, and are able to convince themselves that it won’t happen again. They feel that they are able to absolve themselves of the sin through private confession or good works.
Personally, I think that any priest who molests a young child is a sick bastard. Why would you take a vow of celibacy and then turn your lust on children. I would greatly prefer for you to get married and have sex with your wife than to sneak and molest kids. Heck, I’d even prefer for you to have sex with prostitutes.
If you vow never to have sex and you slip, you’ve already failed. Why compound your failure by committing one of the greatest sins possible? If any of you priests out there start feeling an attraction to your altar boys, it’s time for you to go get a woman. A grown woman. You know what? I’d even prefer for you to get a grown man, as long as it’s a consenting adult. I won’t even take any points off your scorecard. It’s better than the alternative, after all.
And if you do molest kids, you’re gonna get punished for it eventually. I’ll make sure you’re reincarnated as a string of anal beads. Don’t think I can’t do it.
Anyway, thanks for the question, Cupcake. If you know any molester priests, tell me about them and I’ll kick their asses personally. I do not condone that crap.
JC
P.S. Something tells me you’re pretty cute. If you ever want a date with a demigod, drop me a line at askjeesus1@askjeesus.net. Peace.
Tags: kids, priests, rape
Posted in Religious Questions | Comments (0)
What animals passed the mirror test?
October 18th, 2008
what animals passed the mirror test
-cdcdsc
Dear cdcdsc,
The mirror test, for those of you who are not omniscient like I am, was a test of self-awareness first developed in 1970 by Gordon Gallup Jr. It’s almost as simple as it sounds: basically the test determined which animals, of those tested, could recognize their own reflection in a mirror, rather than thinking the relection was another member of the same species.
The animals that passed included the following: the great apes (chimps, orangutans, gorillas), dolphins, elephants, rats, octopuses, rhesus monkeys, and humans.
There is one notable exception. George W. Bush, though by all appearances human, actually failed the mirror test. Upon seeing his reflection, he promptly designated it an enemy combatant and declared war on it.
I hope I’ve answered your question.
JC
Tags: animal, mirror, test
Posted in Science/Nature Questions | Comments (0)
Where Can I Find Good Quality Films?
October 18th, 2008
Where I can find good quality films?
Can anyone help me?
-Penunatoaudip
Dear Penunawhatever,
Is your local movie theater letting you down? Tired of movies about Alaskan vampires or human/honeybee interspecies dating? Wondering why Samuel L. Jackson seems to be in almost every movie ever made?
Well, you’re not alone. You can find quality films at the movie theater, but you first have to filter through all the mind-numbing crap. There are other places, however, where you can search to find exactly what you want. Like the fabulous fun-filled internet.
There are great sites like www.atomfilms.com or www.joost.com which allow you to watch independent short films. If you don’t like short films, that’s okay. Just play them very slowly, and they’ll turn into long films.
Or you can visit a site like www.getnakedmovies.com. Or you can go to the nearest smut shop. You pervert.
Another option is to visit your local bootleg movie distributor. Those folks work hard to sneak camcorders into theaters and illegally download content from the web. Check them out; you never know what they’ll have in stock. And it’s like playing the lottery every time you buy a movie: the quality could be anywhere from “horrible” to “actually kinda good”.
I hope I’ve been able to help you, Penunablahblahblahblahblah. Enjoy your movie watching experience.
Thanks!
JC
Tags: films
Posted in Social/Political Questions | Comments (0)
Mountain Dew doing bad stuff to the ding-dong?
October 18th, 2008
My daughter told me to stop giving my little son Mountain Dew because it can do bad stuff to the male’s ding-dong. Is this true?
- Jerry
Dear Jerry,
Thank you for submitting this question. I strongly feel that almost everybody in the world don’t know what they are actually consuming these days. The only group of people who have some type knowledge what they are consuming are the Asians and the Latinos; If they say chicken foot soup, believe me, it’s chicken foot soup! Nothing more and nothing less.
Mountain dew isn’t radioactive green just for nothing. Sure, it will shrink your kids ding-dong but how much it will shrink will all depends. If you drink the dew every once in a while, then you’re okay. You can still aspire becoming America’s next top porno star. Unless you drink a case of that stuff everyday, then you can legally considered yourself as a transvestite.
On top of Moutain Dew making you lose your ding-dong and your pimp status, there’s also other things you have to contend with in life such as: Red Bull giving everybody wings, and Taco Bell giving everybody the runs.
What’s wrong with good, dependable crystal-clear water and kosher foods?
Your friend,
JC
Tags: dew, ding-dong, mountain
Posted in Science/Nature Questions | Comments (0)
