Archive for October, 2009
Jeesus rocking the Facebook!
October 10th, 2009
Hi there again!
Some days and times, I sit in front of my computer hoping I could just catch a 5 minute breather but I have such an important job of answering the people’s questions and concerns. While I sit here on this ridiculously comfy Hermon Miller Aeron Office Chair, I wonder what some of my close friends such as Moses, Simon, Peter and Jay-Z, are doing at the moment until I discovered FACEBOOK!
Like, how sweet is that?! I can answer emails and messages and at the same time, I can have my Facebook session open on the side (if the boss attempts to creep on me, I just minimize the window with my super duper quick mouse clicking speeds.)
Feel free to visit me at my Facebook page and drop your comments, questions, and suggestions.
Sorry, but I have to go back to work now.
Tags: facebook
Posted in News and Announcements | Comments (0)
How Do I Give My Cat A Bath?
October 8th, 2009
Dear Jeesus (or as my hispanic friends know you as Hay-seuss),
Everyday I come home from work to see my beloved cat giving himself a bath. He licks to and fro, and eventually makes it down to his junk region. Although to watch is rather humorous, it is sometimes disgusting if you are trying to eat a delicious Taco Bell chicken burritos.
How do I give my cat a bath without him scratching my face to ground beef?
Dave
Dear Dave,
What a coincidence. I just got a letter from your cat complaining that, every time he tries to lick his butt, you ruin the experience for him by eating one of those disgusting Taco Bell chicken burritos.
Seriously, Dave, there’s a reason that Taco Bell is the biggest fast food chain in Hell. And it’s not just because of the Fire sauce.
But on to your question.
Cat-washing has been a problem that has plagued mankind for thousands of years. As you know, when Noah built the ark he brought two of each animal along for the journey: one male and one female. Well, we all know what happens when you put a male and a female cat together. (It wasn’t until fifty years after the flood that Bob Barker was born, to urge us to have our pets spayed or neutered.)
Have you ever been woken up at night by two cats having sex LOUDLY outside your window? Well, imagine having to deal with that for forty nights in a row! After the thirtieth night Noah couldn’t take it anymore, and he tossed the cats overboard. Luckily (for cat lovers at least) Noah’s wife managed to rescue the female cat, which was already pregnant with kittens. But to this day, cats are horribly terrified of drowning.
So it’s extremely difficult to get them into the water. People have tried everything from bait to babies, with little success. It seems the best way to wash a cat is to hire a chimp to do the job for you.
Actually, I did find a human who seems to know how it’s done.
Of course, none of these is the way that the cat would prefer. If it was up to the cat, you would use your tongue. But you probably wouldn’t enjoy that very much.
Then again, you do like those Taco Bell chicken burritos.
Good luck!
Your friend in Christ,
um… Christ
Tags: bath, cat, ground beef, how-to, monkey
Posted in Other Stuff | Comments (0)
How Do I Tell My Family That I’m Gonna Be A Porn Star?
October 6th, 2009
Dear Jesus,
the economy right now is very tough and i am really struggling with making ends meet. In these hard times and in my desperation i have decided to make a career change for the better. I’ve decided to make pornographic movies and nude pic’s. I LOVE SEX and i will be able to pay the bills. My penis is magnificent so why not share it with the world. The only problem is how do i break the news to my family?
D
My first movie is dedicated to you “Mary isn’t a virgin anymore”
Dear D,
I know that times are tough. The other day I offered to turn water into wine for a friend of mine. He said, “Water? I can’t afford water!”
Times are tough.
But that doesn’t mean that you should resort to pornography. True, it is one of the few virtually recession-proof industries. True, the potential exists to make a LOT of money. True, you’ll get to have sex with a lot of beautiful women… wait… what was my point again?
Oh yeah: you’re not gonna respect yourself if you take that route. You’ll feel more like a piece of meat than a man. And not even a good piece of meat like a prime rib. You’ll be a cheap, nasty piece of meat. Like whatever they use to make Slim Jims and Spam.
And what about love? Sex is okay for a while, but soon you’ll wish you had a woman to really care for you. And no good woman wants to be with a man-whore. I’m scared I’ll catch a disease just from reading your email.
There are other good ways to make money. Try starting a ministry, for example. Preachers make DOUGH. Think about it: your customers will come to you every week and give you ten percent of their paychecks plus offerings. In exchange you give them… nothing.
Nothing tangible anyway. It’s actually the most valuable product imaginable, but you have an everlasting supply and very low overhead. You can’t lose.
Besides, the world is already becoming flooded with bad porn. The last thing we need is for you to turn on your faucet. (No pun intended.)
But if you feel like you absolutely MUST become a filthy man-slut, here’s how to tell your family:
Find the box for your favorite “professional” porn film and put a copy of your crappy homemade bootleg suckfest of a movie inside. Then leave it sitting on the coffee table in the living room. When your family members watch it (and they will) they will discover your new “career.” But they won’t be able to say anything about it, because they’d have to admit that they were watching porn. So there will be no awkward confrontation.
Just a lifetime of horrible, ugly shame.
Good luck, D.
Your pal,
Jeesus H. Christ
Tags: family, pornstar, sex
Posted in Family Questions | Comments (0)
Hey followers.. follow Jeesus on Twitter!
October 5th, 2009
Hi there Jeesus followers!
With all this talk from my homie Ashton Kutcher about twitter, he finally convinced me to create an account for myself. You can follow and submit your questions @ twitter.com/askjeesus.
Tweet-Tweet away!!
Tags: ashton, kutcher, tweet, twitter
Posted in News and Announcements | Comments (0)
