Archive for October 6th, 2009

How Do I Tell My Family That I’m Gonna Be A Porn Star?

October 6th, 2009

Dear Jesus,
the economy right now is very tough and i am really struggling with making ends meet. In these hard times and in my desperation i have decided to make a career change for the better. I’ve decided to make pornographic movies and nude pic’s. I LOVE SEX and i will be able to pay the bills. My penis is magnificent so why not share it with the world. The only problem is how do i break the news to my family?

D

My first movie is dedicated to you “Mary isn’t a virgin anymore”

Dear D,

I know that times are tough. The other day I offered to turn water into wine for a friend of mine. He said, “Water? I can’t afford water!”

Times are tough.

But that doesn’t mean that you should resort to pornography. True, it is one of the few virtually recession-proof industries. True, the potential exists to make a LOT of money. True, you’ll get to have sex with a lot of beautiful women… wait… what was my point again?

Oh yeah: you’re not gonna respect yourself if you take that route. You’ll feel more like a piece of meat than a man. And not even a good piece of meat like a prime rib. You’ll be a cheap, nasty piece of meat. Like whatever they use to make Slim Jims and Spam.

And what about love? Sex is okay for a while, but soon you’ll wish you had a woman to really care for you. And no good woman wants to be with a man-whore. I’m scared I’ll catch a disease just from reading your email.

There are other good ways to make money. Try starting a ministry, for example. Preachers make DOUGH. Think about it: your customers will come to you every week and give you ten percent of their paychecks plus offerings. In exchange you give them… nothing.

Nothing tangible anyway. It’s actually the most valuable product imaginable, but you have an everlasting supply and very low overhead. You can’t lose.

Besides, the world is already becoming flooded with bad porn. The last thing we need is for you to turn on your faucet. (No pun intended.)

But if you feel like you absolutely MUST become a filthy man-slut, here’s how to tell your family:

Find the box for your favorite “professional” porn film and put a copy of your crappy homemade bootleg suckfest of a movie inside. Then leave it sitting on the coffee table in the living room. When your family members watch it (and they will) they will discover your new “career.” But they won’t be able to say anything about it, because they’d have to admit that they were watching porn. So there will be no awkward confrontation.

Just a lifetime of horrible, ugly shame.

Good luck, D.

Your pal,

Jeesus H. Christ

Tags: , ,
Posted in Family Questions | Comments (0)