Archive for November, 2009
Can you help a sista out with the extra credit puzzle? Please!
November 13th, 2009
Hey Man,
Can you help a sista out with the extra credit puzzle? Please!
R
Dear R,
Easy as pie. Here’s the sheet you sent me with your question. The numbers are all filled in.
Let me know if you have anything really challenging for me, because I did that one while I was half asleep and half watching House M.D. on Hulu. That doctor cracks me up.
Hope this helps. We can all use some extra credit in life.
Peace out,
Hay Zeus
Posted in School/Work Questions | Comments (0)
Why does my girlfriend have this infatuation with buying Coach purses?
November 12th, 2009
Why does my girlfriend have this infatuation with buying Coach purses? they are so ugly and expensive, Can’t she buy something else with that money that she is going to waste on that purse, she can buy more other things for her like, bras, socks, panties, makeup…. but come on!!!! a coach purse???? you have got to do something about this, PLEASE HELP!!! A brother in need!!! thanks you jeesus , IN THE NAME OF THE FATHER THE SON AND ALL THAT IS HIGH MIGHTY SPIRIT,,,AAAAAMEN!!! good night, see you soon. well not soon but one day I hope, yopu are going to have to accept me up there cause down below they are afraid I might take over they don’t want me there… bye bye,
Angelo
Dear Angelo,
It’s one of the great mysteries of the universe: what is it that women love so much about those overpriced designer purses?
I’ve seen women spend so much money on their purses that they don’t have any money left to put into the purse they just bought. Then they can’t afford to buy food. Then all I hear is: “Jeeeesuuus… can you take me to Red Lobbbbsterrrr? Pleeeeeease?”
But enough about my problems. Angelo, the simple fact is that women are crazy. They’re completely insane. Anyone who shells out two weeks’ pay for something that has the exact same functionality as a five dollar handbag is completely nuts. Heck, it has the same functionality as a plastic grocery bag.
And they’ll even spend a couple hundred bucks on a knockoff of a designer purse. And they’ll think that they’re getting a deal.
If guys spend that kind of money on something, you can bet that we can use it to play video games, watch movies, do our taxes, record video, improve our sex lives, cook dinner, build things, and blow things up. And that’s all in one device.
A purse, no matter how expensive it is, does nothing but stop gravity from dragging your useless crap more than a foot away from your shoulder.
I could almost understand if the purses even looked especially stylish or unique. But all of those designer purses look the same, and they all look like Felix The Cat’s magical bag of tricks.
Except that Felix The Cat’s bag could transform into a hot air balloon or a racecar. What can your girlfriend’s bag do? Hold tampons and TicTacs.
So there’s your answer, Angelo. Women are out of their freaking minds. And there’s nothing you can do about it.
Have fun at the Coach store.
Your friend,
Jesus
Posted in Uncategorized | Comments (0)
Why do they (the government)call my id/resident card a Green card when it is actually white? and on top it says:Resident Alien?
November 6th, 2009
Well, being an immigrant I wanted to know why do they (the government)call my id/resident card a Green card when it is actually white? and on top it says:Resident Alien?
-Peruvian42
Dear Peruvian42,
Hola! (Which also means ‘Hello’).
The strange nature about your government is that they, unfortunately, have always labeled outsiders with color. Since the conception of this country, starting from the invasion of the British Red coats, then came U.S.S.R. Red commies, then came the Blue man group, and then out of nowhere came you: aliens. Well, Green aliens to be exact.
We all know you come here in peace and that you mean no harm. To ensure peace, again, your government wanted a way to keep track of you via a high tech piece of equipment called: the immigration card. The immigration card is a simple concept; just like a credit card but without any money, you carry this piece of paper around and somehow the government and its fellow citizens feel safe from outer space attacks and abductions.
Over time, the aliens didn’t like to be labeled as immigrants; they just wanted to fit in and contribute to the rest of society. After much lobbying, protesting, and several terrifying U.F.O. sightings, the ‘immigration card’ changed to the… Green card.
Now, everything good in this world is represented by the color Green: Green trees, Green traffic lights, Green American Express, Green M&M’s, and the Greenbay Packers just to name a few.
Oh, that reminds me; I have to head out to Greenwise Market for some Green eggs and ham.
Hasta luego,
Jeesus (or Hay-soos).
Tags: abductions, aliens, green card, immigrants, ussr
Posted in Social/Political Questions | Comments (0)
Why is my mom so strict?
November 5th, 2009
Why is my mom so strict? I do everything I can to always be my best and show her I am responsible, but nothing seems to work. Having straight A’s in school and a job doesn’t seem to be enough. What else can I do?
-Cupcake
Dear Cupcake,
Having straight A’s in school and a job is not enough. You need a job that makes a lot of money, preferably more than your mother makes. Then she’ll have to respect you. I suggest inventing nanobots (microscopic robots) that can clean out people’s clogged arteries. There are a lot of clogged arteries out there, and that heart-butter is like gold for the right entrepreneur. You’ll get rich in no time!
If discovering incredible scientific advances and marketing them for profit is not your strong suit, then you may just need to live with your mother’s overbearing ways. You might have to gain an understanding of why your mother thinks the way she does. I’m sure she’s only trying to protect you from the contagious stupidity that’s spreading around the country. It’s worse than the swine flu, and there’s no vaccine.
Believe me, you’re the lucky one. Most of those kids whose parents let them do whatever they want already have herpes. Even if they don’t, they probably lack the discipline that would have helped them advance in life. So they’ll probably end up as fat slobs who brush their teeth with cookie dough and need their arteries cleaned out by nanobots.
So listen to your mother for a few more years. Before you know it you’ll be an adult, and you’ll be able to do whatever you want. And you’ll probably have enough common sense so that the things you want to do won’t get you a guest appearance on Cops.
Good luck!
JC
Tags: family, job, parernts, relationship, strict
Posted in Family Questions | Comments (0)
Why is it that as we get progressively older as humans men get better looking, more attractive, yada, yada, ya.
November 4th, 2009
Dear Lord
WHY, and there is a HUGE emphasis on the WHY, Why is it that as we get progressively older as humans men get better looking, more attractive, and literally sexier than they were at 20; whereas woman well…lets just say when men get divorced at an older age they don’t go for another woman within their age group: they go for some 20 year old pin up doll and then when we’re left single and go for another older men.
As women when we begin to age our breast begin to um, give way to the natural effect of gravity. Our skin loosens, our butts aren’t as firm, our faces wrinkle (which on an aging man is very becoming), our eyes yellow, nails become brittle, our hair thins out and the list goes on and on.
Yet I would have to say the two worst things that happen to us as a women and our cursed bodies is the physical transformation of both the outer and the inner body. We as women want so badly to have the child (or children) of man that we are so in love with and give our entire lives to him. So we have a night of passionate love making or a one night stand or quickie, get pregnant, go through nine months of bodily transformation that will never be fully reversed (without plastic surgery and pain), have 1-to God knows how many children and get completely shafted.
Now I’m not complaining about the pregnancy, birth or child part, to me that is a glorious miracle that I really wish men could experience. What I am referring to is the aftermath. The external things that the entire world can see. The stretch marks that will never let you where a bikini to the beach again. The not so firm and subtle breast that are left sagging after breast feeding for a year and now have become your baby’s pacifier and favorite object to grab when it used to be your husbands. The thinning hair that you dye and curl try to hide the grays. Now we get to the internal…or at least the part that no one sees but your husband is able to feel (and see). The stretching of the vagina, it NEVER goes back to the way it was before. It is forever marked as your child’s entrance into this world, unless you had a cesarean section which is even more horrendous in different but scarring ways.
Now I don’t want you to get this twisted I’m not some emotionally weak, lack of self esteem, self worth, or have some distorted view of my physical appearance. I’m very happy in my skin and who I am as a woman and know that having children is what I want in my life (along with a prosperous carrier which I’m sure you are going to bless with me with, you know the field that I’m studying 
). I simply want to know why it is that men get better looking and physically more appealing as they get older (especially in the baby making area), whereas women just deteriorate for lack of better words. If my mama didn’t raise me right I would be very depressed right now.
Just tell me why. Is it because you’re a man and you though it would be funny to just make men luckier than women or is it because Eve fudged it up for all women of all time?
-pissed off at men
Dear pissed off at men,
Well, I had to take my spank’in new Apple Macbook to the pool side, not just to tan my rock hard body, but to read your crazy long question under the peaceful sun. Oh, I wish everybody could just step outside for a quick minute and feel this warm radiant heat but I must digress.
Back to you dilemma; so you’re saying you don’t like the gifts of stretch marks, saggy tata’s, brittle nails, thinning hair, etc?! Damn it! I had it wrong this whole time!! I mean, Peter, Andrew, James and John (my homies aka The Disciplez) kept on teasing me about my horrible taste of women and I just brushed it off while saying to myself, ‘What do they know about women?!”
Ultimately, I never found that perfect, captivating woman and now I know why. Thanks for bringing this to light!
Even though men become better looking over time and you have to give up those hot body features all the boys in the sandbox went ‘gaga’ for, you have something that no man has: the gift to give life. Enough said. Hard to believe? There’s this guy that longed to give birth to a child for the longest time. He envies you!
So cheer up! After giving birth, your life is not over. You can always join the prestigious, growing society of MILF’s and/or Cougar’s. **RAWR!** Go out there and have some fun you sly-devil hunter you. I’ll forgive you this one time, just don’t forget to go to church this week and ask for forgiveness. Hell, you can even blame it on the a-a-a-alcohol.
Oh, look at the time. I have to take a shower, iron my clothes and get ready to meet up with the Disciplez at the club tonight.
A proud promoter of Axe body spray,
Jeesus
Tags: axe, body spray, cougars, kids, milfs, saggy tatas
Posted in Science/Nature Questions | Comments (0)
Who determined the order of the alphabet letters?
November 3rd, 2009
Why is A before B and B before C and Z at the end of the alphabet? Who determined the order of the alphbet letters? Is there a logic to this order?
-Michelle
Dear Michelle,
As you probably already know, the English system of letters is based on the Latin system that was used by the ancient Romans (jerks), which was in turn based on the system that was used by the ancient Greeks (also jerks). The word “alphabet”, as you know, is derived from the first two Greek letters: alpha and beta. The Greek letters are derived from the ancient Phoenician letters, which are based on the Canaanite letters. The Canaanite letters were pictoral, and therefore had specific meanings, which they lent to the Phoenician letters. For example, alpha meant “ox” and beta meant “house”. But of course you already knew that.
What you might not have known is that the Canaanites put their alphabet in order of which objects were most important to them in life. The ox (alpha) provided them with food and a means of farming and transport. It was therefore essential to their livelihood, so they put it first. Next came the house (beta), which (since they needed it for shelter) was also necessary for survival in their harsh environment. After that came gamma, which meant “opium”; delta, which meant “money”; epsilon, which meant “blowjob”; and so on… all the way down to omega, which meant “wife”.
As time went on and the alphabet evolved through different cultures, the letters changed somewhat. Unfortunately, the priorities never did.
So that’s how the order of the alphabet was determined. Luckily for us, it makes a pretty catchy song. Even if it is just ripping off the tune from “Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star”.
Thanks for your question!
Your pal,
Jeesus
P.S. Don’t ask me about the order of the letters on your QWERTY keyboard. That makes no sense at all. Especially when it’s used on a cell phone. Is anyone actually typing on those things? No! Jerks.
Tags: alpha, alphabet, beta, jerks, letters, omega
Posted in Other Stuff | Comments (0)
