Archive for the ‘Family Questions’ Category
Why is my mom so strict?
November 5th, 2009
Why is my mom so strict? I do everything I can to always be my best and show her I am responsible, but nothing seems to work. Having straight A’s in school and a job doesn’t seem to be enough. What else can I do?
-Cupcake
Dear Cupcake,
Having straight A’s in school and a job is not enough. You need a job that makes a lot of money, preferably more than your mother makes. Then she’ll have to respect you. I suggest inventing nanobots (microscopic robots) that can clean out people’s clogged arteries. There are a lot of clogged arteries out there, and that heart-butter is like gold for the right entrepreneur. You’ll get rich in no time!
If discovering incredible scientific advances and marketing them for profit is not your strong suit, then you may just need to live with your mother’s overbearing ways. You might have to gain an understanding of why your mother thinks the way she does. I’m sure she’s only trying to protect you from the contagious stupidity that’s spreading around the country. It’s worse than the swine flu, and there’s no vaccine.
Believe me, you’re the lucky one. Most of those kids whose parents let them do whatever they want already have herpes. Even if they don’t, they probably lack the discipline that would have helped them advance in life. So they’ll probably end up as fat slobs who brush their teeth with cookie dough and need their arteries cleaned out by nanobots.
So listen to your mother for a few more years. Before you know it you’ll be an adult, and you’ll be able to do whatever you want. And you’ll probably have enough common sense so that the things you want to do won’t get you a guest appearance on Cops.
Good luck!
JC
Tags: family, job, parernts, relationship, strict
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How Do I Tell My Family That I’m Gonna Be A Porn Star?
October 6th, 2009
Dear Jesus,
the economy right now is very tough and i am really struggling with making ends meet. In these hard times and in my desperation i have decided to make a career change for the better. I’ve decided to make pornographic movies and nude pic’s. I LOVE SEX and i will be able to pay the bills. My penis is magnificent so why not share it with the world. The only problem is how do i break the news to my family?
D
My first movie is dedicated to you “Mary isn’t a virgin anymore”
Dear D,
I know that times are tough. The other day I offered to turn water into wine for a friend of mine. He said, “Water? I can’t afford water!”
Times are tough.
But that doesn’t mean that you should resort to pornography. True, it is one of the few virtually recession-proof industries. True, the potential exists to make a LOT of money. True, you’ll get to have sex with a lot of beautiful women… wait… what was my point again?
Oh yeah: you’re not gonna respect yourself if you take that route. You’ll feel more like a piece of meat than a man. And not even a good piece of meat like a prime rib. You’ll be a cheap, nasty piece of meat. Like whatever they use to make Slim Jims and Spam.
And what about love? Sex is okay for a while, but soon you’ll wish you had a woman to really care for you. And no good woman wants to be with a man-whore. I’m scared I’ll catch a disease just from reading your email.
There are other good ways to make money. Try starting a ministry, for example. Preachers make DOUGH. Think about it: your customers will come to you every week and give you ten percent of their paychecks plus offerings. In exchange you give them… nothing.
Nothing tangible anyway. It’s actually the most valuable product imaginable, but you have an everlasting supply and very low overhead. You can’t lose.
Besides, the world is already becoming flooded with bad porn. The last thing we need is for you to turn on your faucet. (No pun intended.)
But if you feel like you absolutely MUST become a filthy man-slut, here’s how to tell your family:
Find the box for your favorite “professional” porn film and put a copy of your crappy homemade bootleg suckfest of a movie inside. Then leave it sitting on the coffee table in the living room. When your family members watch it (and they will) they will discover your new “career.” But they won’t be able to say anything about it, because they’d have to admit that they were watching porn. So there will be no awkward confrontation.
Just a lifetime of horrible, ugly shame.
Good luck, D.
Your pal,
Jeesus H. Christ
Tags: family, pornstar, sex
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Why Do Parents Take Away Cell Phones When They Know You Need It?
October 18th, 2008
why do parents love to take away cell phones from kids when they know they need it!!?
and then they expect you to call them to let them know where you are going to be?
-*Luigi*
Dear *Luigi*,
Since when do you need a cell phone? When I was a kid, I sure didn’t have a cell phone. If I wanted to call my buddy Luke, I had to climb to the top of a high hill, cup my hands to the side of my mouth, and yell “HEEEEYYYYY, LUKE!!!!”
Then again, if I wanted to let my dad know where I was, all I ever had to do was fold my hands together and pray…
But, no, you don’t need a stinking cell phone. You ever see those rectangular boxes outside with chewing gum stuck all over them? The ones with a strong odor of stale cigarettes and vomit inside them? Those are “pay phones”. Stick a quarter in the slot, dial the number, and you’ll be fine.
Don’t remember any numbers without your celly? You’re in luck! Half the time the pay phone booth will contain a “phone book”, which is a really thick book with most of the pages torn out of it. The person you’re calling may be listed in there.
But probably not. The only people listed are losers without cellphones. So call somebody else.
Want to text message? Sorry. Try writing a letter. You’ll have to wait longer for that booty-call, but it’ll be well worth it. Chicks dig getting letters.
Anyway, suck it up, you spoiled brat. You don’t know how good you have it.
Gotta go, I’m getting a message on my Blackberry.
Peace out,
Jeesus
Tags: cell, luke, parents, phones, take
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How Do You Know If Your Teenage Daughter Is Sleeping Around?
October 18th, 2008
How do you know if your teenage daughter is sleeping around?
-Concerned Mom
Dear Concerned Mom,
First of all, and this is very important, make sure that she has NO UNSUPERVISED CONTACT WITH R. KELLY.
With that out of the way, make sure she has no unsupervised contact with any other guy either.
Unfortunately, that’s the only way to be certain. Aside from that, just educate her. Have an honest discussion about the risks and dangers of sexual activity. And make sure you’re not being a slut yourself.
Forever Yours,
JC
Tags: daughter, r kelly, sex, sleeping
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How do you know if your teenager is on drugs? What are the signs?
October 18th, 2008
How do you know if your teenager is on drugs? What are the signs?
Concerned Mom
Big J here!
This is an easy question but at the same hand, it can be a bit difficult to answer. To help me answer the many different aspects and facets of your question, I’ll introduce to you one of my crack smokin’ staff, Tampa Railroad Hobo.
Hobo: Hi Concerned Mom!
Have you ever asked your teenager if he/she is on drugs? If your teenager answer yes, then why not use that moment to bond and explore why he/she likes to go out in la la land with puff the magic dragon. A concerned parent should also be an understanding parent.
What are the symptoms and signs? Bowls of Frost Flakes between the hours of noon to 3am, Crazy appetite for Papa John’s Pepporoni Pizza, Face Resembles like Pizza, Skid Marks, Watches ‘Half Baked’ more than 3 times a day and excessive online game play on World of Warcraft, just to name a few.
Garner trust and respect from your teenager. Then when the time comes, you steal his/her stash and flush that crap down the toliet!! Ass beating is optional. Make sure you’re not on the influence just in case law enforcement comes knocking on your door.
Long story short: Your husband is the supplier.
Sincerely, Big J and Hobo.
Tags: drugs, teenager
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