-Michelle

Dear Michelle,

As you probably already know, the English system of letters is based on the Latin system that was used by the ancient Romans (jerks), which was in turn based on the system that was used by the ancient Greeks (also jerks). The word “alphabet”, as you know, is derived from the first two Greek letters: alpha and beta. The Greek letters are derived from the ancient Phoenician letters, which are based on the Canaanite letters. The Canaanite letters were pictoral, and therefore had specific meanings, which they lent to the Phoenician letters. For example, alpha meant “ox” and beta meant “house”. But of course you already knew that.

What you might not have known is that the Canaanites put their alphabet in order of which objects were most important to them in life.  The ox (alpha) provided them with food and a means of farming and transport. It was therefore essential to their livelihood, so they put it first. Next came the house (beta), which (since they needed it for shelter) was also necessary for survival in their harsh environment. After that came gamma, which meant “opium”; delta, which meant “money”; epsilon, which meant “blowjob”; and so on… all the way down to omega, which meant “wife”.

As time went on and the alphabet evolved through different cultures, the letters changed somewhat. Unfortunately, the priorities never did.

So that’s how the order of the alphabet was determined. Luckily for us, it makes a pretty catchy song. Even if it is just ripping off the tune from “Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star”.

Thanks for your question!

Your pal,

Jeesus

P.S. Don’t ask me about the order of the letters on your QWERTY keyboard. That makes no sense at all. Especially when it’s used on a cell phone. Is anyone actually typing on those things? No! Jerks.

Everyday I come home from work to see my beloved cat giving himself a bath.  He licks to and fro, and eventually makes it down to his junk region.  Although to watch is rather humorous, it is sometimes disgusting if you are trying to eat a delicious Taco Bell chicken burritos.

How do I give my cat a bath without him scratching my face to ground beef?

Dave

Dear Dave,

What a coincidence. I just got a letter from your cat complaining that, every time he tries to lick his butt, you ruin the experience for him by eating one of those disgusting Taco Bell chicken burritos.

Seriously, Dave, there’s a reason that Taco Bell is the biggest fast food chain in Hell. And it’s not just because of the Fire sauce.

But on to your question.

Cat-washing has been a problem that has plagued mankind for thousands of years. As you know, when Noah built the ark he brought two of each animal along for the journey: one male and one female. Well, we all know what happens when you put a male and a female cat together. (It wasn’t until fifty years after the flood that Bob Barker was born, to urge us to have our pets spayed or neutered.)

Have you ever been woken up at night by two cats having sex LOUDLY outside your window? Well, imagine having to deal with that for forty nights in a row! After the thirtieth night Noah couldn’t take it anymore, and he tossed the cats overboard. Luckily (for cat lovers at least) Noah’s wife managed to rescue the female cat, which was already pregnant with kittens. But to this day, cats are horribly terrified of drowning.

So it’s extremely difficult to get them into the water. People have tried everything from bait to babies, with little success. It seems the best way to wash a cat is to hire a chimp to do the job for you.

Actually, I did find a human who seems to know how it’s done.

Of course, none of these is the way that the cat would prefer. If it was up to the cat, you would use your tongue. But you probably wouldn’t enjoy that very much.

Then again, you do like those Taco Bell chicken burritos.

Good luck!

Your friend in Christ,

um… Christ

-ben2k7

Dear ben2k7,

I know what you mean. It’s like when I saw Spiderman 3. I’m enjoying the movie, chomping on Sour Patch Kids by the handful, when all of a sudden Peter Parker starts disco dancing. I’m like, WTF?*

The Sandman was a cool villain, though.

You know what other superhero movie I liked? The Dark Knight. That was a good flick. And you’d never catch Batman disco dancing. Iron Man was good, too. And The Incredible Hulk. And Hellboy II. And Hancock.

I watch too many movies, I guess. But I always liked superheroes. I wonder what it would be like to save the world… Oh, wait, I did that already.

I guess I am kind of a superhero. I wonder if they’d let me hang out with them. It would be pretty cool to join the Avengers or the Justice League. I could fight Lex Luthor or Dr. Doom. That would kick ass!

I bet the Avengers movie is gonna be better than the Justice League movie.

Anyway, thanks for your question about superhero movies.

Your friend,

Jesus H. Christ (the “H” stands for “HULK SMASH!!!”)

*Just so you know, when I say “WTF?” I’m not cussing. In Biblical terms, “WTF?” stands for “Why hast Thou Forsaken me?” See the below image.

-Bobby

Dear Bobby,

Are you trying to buy steroids from me? Listen, I got out of that racket after that whole Marion Jones thing in the Sydney Olympics. I told her to go for silver and nobody’d ever suspect her. But, no, she just had to be “the fastest woman on Earth”. (Little does she know, that title is already held by Cindy McNichols of Cincinnatti, who slept with a guy named Gary 10 seconds after meeting him. That kind of world record is hard to beat.)

The thing is, Bobby, using steroids has never worked out for anyone in the long run. Well, unless you count Arnold Schwarzenegger. He used steroids and became a champion bodybuilder. And then he became a famous movie actor, even though he couldn’t act and couldn’t even speak English at first (watch Conan if you don’t believe me.) And then he became a millionaire. And then he became Governor of California.

What was my point again? Oh, yeah… take steroids, Bobby, and one day you can be Governor of California.

Just don’t try to buy them from me, man.

Thanks!

Jeesus

-Carolina

Dear Carolina,

Let me get this straight: It’s your birthday. Today. On a Friday. And you decided to party last night and then show up to work in the morning?

You should have either waited until tonight to party or taken your birthday off from work. Nobody wants to work on their birthday, much less with a hangover.

Why do you think it is that God, after creating the Earth, rested on the seventh day? It’s because He was drunk all day on the sixth! Think about it: He had to be completely wasted to create humans and give them dominion over the Earth! He should have put the dolphins in charge, if you ask me. But I digress…

Sure, I could cure your hangover… if we were in the same room. Alone together. And if I had some massage oil and Marvin Gaye music.

But, unfortunately, that’s not the case. So here’s what you need to do:

1. Drink some hot ginger or peppermint tea with plenty of lemon juice in it. If you don’t have access to tea, try tomato juice. If you don’t have access to tomato juice, try chicken soup. If you don’t have access to chicken soup, try some more liquor. A little hair of the dog that bit you should get you through the day, although I can’t vouch for the quality of your work.

2. Have someone massage your scalp and neck. This not only eases headaches, but it also increases blood circulation and helps clear your system.

3. Swear to yourself that you’ll never drink again. This seems to make people feel better. Do not, however, swear to God that you’ll never drink again. Because we all know that you’re gonna be right back out there tonight sipping tequila shots off the chest of a male stripper named Raul.

If all of that fails, contact me again and I will see if I can come to where you are and work a miracle. I’ll bring the Marvin Gaye CD.

Happy Birthday!

JC

Remember, you can either submit your question as a comment to an existing entry, or you can email it to us at askjeesus1@askjeesus.net. Easy, right?

We’ve also categorized most of the questions. If you don’t want to search through every question and answer to find the topic you want, simply click the category name on the right hand side of the page.

We’re currently working on some other content for the site (maybe some contests or something), but keep your questions coming! And tell your friends to submit questions, too. So far, we’ve answered every question we’ve gotten within about 24 hours, usually a lot faster.

And the pseudo-religious, quasi-educational fun just keeps on coming!

So, as George W. Bush would say, “Bring ‘em on!”

13th Apostle

-Sandra

Dear Sandra,

Going on vacation or trying to run away from your problems? You don’t have to tell me. I know.

I wish I could up and leave my problems too! We’re having problems here in upper management with the ‘Natural Disater‘ department lately. Someone is falling asleep at the controls and slapping the ‘Make it flood’ button a bit too much. All I can say is that employee wont be receiving the holiday Honey Baked Ham this year.

I like you Sandra, so I would say go to Vegas. You can visit New York, Italy, and meet that crazy guy who got half of his dome bit off by that pet tiger. Oh, and you can’t forget Carrot Top. I just love his jokes and his cool hair (inspired by me of course!)

With the ‘Natural Disater‘ department screwing up lately, I would not go to Hawaii. For one thing, you’re on an island with a HUGE volcano, surronded by tiger sharks. I don’t know about you, but getting burnt, then trying to swim for your life just makes you more of a nice, cooked meal from Outback for that tiger shark.

When you do come back, please don’t forget to email me your travel photos.

Your travel agent,

JC

-Patricia

Dear Patricia,

Is there a good reason why your husband opposes an SUV? You two should sit down and discuss it, weigh the pros and cons, and come to a rational agreement. You should be able to work it out.

Minivans do kinda suck, though. You might be able to convince him to go for the SUV if you promise to get the 24-inch rims that keep spinning and spinning and spinning even after the car stops. I just love those things!

My guess is that he will, too.

Good Luck,

Jesus H. Christ (the “H” is for “Humvee”)

Click the “Comments” link on the bottom of any of our post to submit your unfulfilled questions. Or you can email us at: askjeesus1@askjeesus.net.

Thank you,

Askjeesus.net’s crack smokin’ staff.

Hungry for Chinese

Dear Hungry for Chinese,

If history serves me correctly, Mei Wah and Hao Wah are brothers. With that being said, I would say “憎惡!” Sorry, that’s “disgusting” in Cantonese.

In other words, both places over cook their rice like how Satan roasts those unfortunate souls. I thought fried rice was made with white rice and soy sauce, not with yellow rice. That is considered to be sacrilegious and definitely deserves a beat down from the Asian community.

If you really have to eat Chinese food, please visit PF Changs. The venue is a bit on the pricey side, but please do your stomach and taste buds a favor.

“享用”.. that’s “enjoy” in Cantonese!

Your Food Critic,

JC