Archive for the ‘Other Stuff’ Category
How Can I Tell My Friend Her Myspace Page Makes Her Look Like A Porn Star?
October 18th, 2008
How can I tell my friend her myspace page makes her look like a Porn Star?
-Shontee
Dear Shontee,
If your friend’s MySpace page makes her look like a porn star, that’s probably what she wants to look like. For many people, porn star is a desirable title. It has the word “star” in it, at least. So for someone who hasn’t managed to become any other type of star, “porn star” might be the way to go.
If you want her to change her MySpace page, tell her it makes her look like something less prestigious: like a “crack whore”. Nobody wants to be a crack whore.
No little girl ever said, “I wanna be a crack whore when I grow up.” Not even crack whores want to be crack whores. You can also try terms like “slut”, “skank”, “hussy”, “floozy”, or “village bicycle”. But I think “crack whore” will work the best.
Good Luck,
Jesus
P.S. Umm… what’s your friend’s MySpace URL? I need to see it for… um… business reasons. Jesus stuff. You understand. Thanks!
Tags: crack, friend, myspace, myspace.com, porn, slut, star, whore
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Jesus wants you to know He is not happy
October 18th, 2008
Jesus is a bit chagrined that He hasn’t gotten more response thus far. He figured that an easy, user-friendly outlet to receive the answers to all the mysteries of the universe would be an enticing offer.
He’s starting to blame us for not getting the word out enough. We’re doing all we can. As they say, however: you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink.
Come on, little horseys, you know you’re thirsty…
Sorry. Jesus just told me that I shouldn’t call you people little horseys. He prefers to think of you as lambs.
Anyway, He awaits your most profound queries. Simply email your questions to askjeesus1@askjeesus.net. Jesus will respond very quickly, and one of us will post His reply. Thank you.
His humble servant,
13th Apostle
Tags: happy, jesus, lambs, sad, thirsty
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The Question Jesus Gets Asked The Most
October 18th, 2008
Sup, dawgs, Jesus here.
There’s one question I get asked more than any other, so I just want to get the issue cleared up once and for all so that we can move on to other, perhaps more important, issues. I realize that it’s a very divisive topic, and I don’t want to seem like I’m taking sides. But it seems like practically every other person I meet wants to know where I stand.
So before I give you my answer, I just want to make it clear that this is not a critical issue. You will not fall out of my favor or go to hell for disagreeing with me on this. I know that you Christians strive to live as I lived, but this is just my personal preference, not a matter of religious doctrine. It’s okay to disagree.
That being said, here’s my answer:
Boxers.
Those tighty whiteys just aren’t roomy enough, if you know what I mean.
Thanks,
Jesus Christ
Tags: boxers, jesus, wighty whiteys
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With or without cheese??
October 18th, 2008
I love to eat, but I can never decide, “should i have it with cheese or no cheese?” So why not have both and tell you which way is best or which way will give you the runs? Sounds like a great idea!
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Wow! We’re finally up and limping!!
October 18th, 2008
AskJeesus’ first post and still trying to figure this shit out. Another entry should be up shortly, briefly describing: how this blog is going to work, the purpose of the site (if you haven’t read the title of the site yet), many different features and writings, and blah blah blah!
Hang in there friends!!
Tags: running, Up, welcome
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