-Cupcake

Dear Cupcake,

I wish Cupid would have referred you to me before Valetine’s so I could make your day even more special but Oh well!

So, is it possible to fall in love with your bestfriend? Sure it is possible. Why not? Anything is possible; people fall in love with their brothers and sisters too! There are even some people who prefer loving their pet animals over people.

Going after your brother/sister isn’t something I would condone, but considering your best friend as a possible candidate for something greater (aka boyfriend) is definitely worth considering.

If you currently trust and confide in each other, communicate your thoughts and feelings to one another, then you already have a great foundation for something even greater than being just friends. Tell your friend how you really feel about him (and hopefully he will do the same) and if you two decide to flourish your relationship into a blossom of love and happiness, just make sure you express your expectations and guidelines.

As long you communicate, I believe no one will get seriously hurt if the relationship doesn’t work out and you don’t have to worry about any of your precious belongings showing up on EBAY and Craigslist.

I wish I could give you a formula of some sort but there are plenty of past examples out there on what not to do such as: Britney and K-fed, Paris and some horny toad dude.

Hopefully I answered your question,

JC

P.S- If it doesn’t work out, I have some interested people lined up here.

Sincerely,
Chunky lover 67

Dear Chunky lover 67,

It’s not easy to ask your girlfriend for a threesome. As you said, it’s risky. You should probably look into other ways to spice things up in the bedroom.

However, if you absolutely must have a threesome, here are a few sure-fire ways to ask:

1) Wait until she’s not really paying attention, then mumble “Ifyoupromisemeathreesomesaywhat”. She will reply by saying “What?”, and then you can tell her what you said. Tell her that she made a promise, and that you would never break a promise to her.

2) Find out who her girl-crush is. All women secretly have a girl-crush: one woman that they would be gay for. Find out who it is, and get her to offer the threesome. (It’s always better if you’re not the one to offer.) If your girlfriend’s girl-crush is someone famous and inaccessible, find a look-alike. It’s the next best thing. Your girlfriend will get to live out her secret lesbian fantasy, and you’ll get your threesome. It’s win-win.

3) Get your girlfriend in a dark room and start with some foreplay. Have the other girl sneak in and begin performing oral sex on your girlfriend. She will quickly realize that it’s not you, but if it’s done well she won’t pull away. You’ll be good to go.

4) As a last resort, let her have a threesome with you and another man first. No, you say? That’s disgusting? Well, think about how she feels? That’s why you shouldn’t have a threesome in the first place. Unless both people want to.

Just go to your local sex shop. They’ve got some stuff that’ll spice up your love life. I guarantee it, or I’ll pay you a million dollars*.

Good luck,

JC

*P.S. The above guarantee is not valid anywhere on Earth, elsewhere in the universe, or in the afterlife.

I am desperatly confused about my current situation. I have secretly been in love with my cousin for about half of my life and it is completely driving me crazy. She has feelings for me as well and we have shared some intimate moments, no we have not had sexual intercourse. However, we have had some hot and heavy moments and we are truly, desperately in love. I’m wondering what sould we do.

Desperatly in Love…with family

PS.
She is my 1st cousin and no I do not live in Kentucky.

-Crazy In Love

Dear Crazy,

Alabama then, eh?

Listen, Crazy, incest may not be as bad as you think. Unlike the ridiculous evolution story that all those whacked-out scientists want you to believe, Biblical history is actually built around incest. Think about it: God created two people. Then they reproduced with one another and had children. Then they reproduced with… who? You can almost hear the banjo from Deliverance, can’t you?

That being said, are you sure you wanna keep it in the family? It might cause too many problems for you in the long run: family alienation, legal hassles, kids with gills…

You should probably find someone you aren’t related to. There are billions of people out there. You’ll find someone that you love just as much or even more.

Besides, people who hook up with their cousins aren’t very popular.

Except for Rudy Giuliani, that is.

Thanks for the question,

JC

Why weren’t they there to choose from at the beginning?

And why do men find “taken” women so attractive?

-Confused

Dear Confused,

First of all, it’s not hard for a girl to get a really good guy when she’s single — it’s just hard for a girl to get a really good guy. Period.

Those guys who are showing up now? They’re not really good guys. Especially if they’re riding in on tidal waves. God is clearly trying to flood them off the face of the Earth. (He has a history of that, you know.)

Why do men find “taken” women so attractive? At the risk of having my Guy Card revoked, I’m going to tell you: they find you attractive because they don’t have to deal with you all the time.

If you’re in a relationship, you’ll be spending most of your free time with your boyfriend/fiance/husband. You won’t be calling the guy all the time “just to say hi”, you won’t be dragging him to chick flicks, and you won’t be asking him to meet your parents. He won’t be expected to buy you anything expensive, because your boyfriend/fiance/husband would find it and get suspicious.

The most the guy would expect, provided he can talk his way into it, is an occasional no-questions-asked sexcapade in an office or a motel or a 1984 Chevy Caprice.

Which is exactly what the guy wants. Keep in mind that, as I said before, these are not really good guys.

I take it that, if you are ready to settle down, you’ve found yourself a really good guy. And apparently you weren’t in a committed relationship when you found him. So things do work out sometimes, don’t they?

Good luck to you in your relationship,

Jesus

-Buttcheeks

Dear Buttcheeks,

I like big butts and I cannot lie.

I thought Sir Mix-A-Lot did a great job, about 15 years ago, of explaining the fascination with the butt. Well, that doesn’t mean I can’t take a stab at it… um, the question, not the butt.

Some people think that men are attracted to a woman’s butt because it’s shaped like a big, juicy apple — just like the apple that was our original temptation in the Garden of Eden. That’s a good theory, and it explains why some men would put the entire human race in jeopardy to get some tail. But it doesn’t explain why so many men avoid eating actual fruit.

The truth of the matter is simple: guys (at least straight guys) don’t want women who have bodies like guys. Therefore, the body parts that are most distinctive on women are most attractive to men.

To put it even more simply: we want what we don’t got. A big voluptuous booty is generally not a male trait, so it is an attractive trait in a female. Big, bouncy breasts are not common in men, therefore they are attractive in women. If beer guts and mustaches were common on women and practically nonexistent on men, we’d be attracted to those too.

Note to women: Beer guts and mustaches are common on men and are therefore NOT attractive on you!!!

Despite what the modeling industry tries to tell you, most men don’t like women with the bodies of teenaged boys. Those that do… probably like teenaged boys.

I hope I was able to answer your question, Buttcheeks.

Love always,

Jesus

P.S. My anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hon.

Dear Mary,
Wow, that is weird. Um… let me see if I understand you. You want to have sex with a man who’s had sex with other men? And you want me to tell you how to do it?

Why don’t you just ask me to tell you how to smoke crack while steering a car with your feet? You’ll be just as successful at it.

Don’t get me wrong — I applaud your effort. I’m sure that you’re doing it because you feel it’s the righteous thing to do, and not just out of lust. Because that would be terrible, and I’d have to bitch-slap you.

But regardless of your reasoning, it won’t work. You can’t turn a gay man straight. It’s impossible. Gay people are born gay.
God made gay people because He was bored. He felt that the world needed a bit more comedy, and everyone knows that effeminate men are hilarious. They also have a great fashion sense.

So, sorry, I can’t help you.

But think about this: are you really in love with him? I mean, if he’s your roommate you must have heard the sounds coming from his room as some big hairy dude jackhammered his posterior region. They couldn’t have been very manly sounds. Is that really what you want?

I think you’re probably more attracted to his gay style than his gay self. You like his Gucci shirts and his daily manicures. Get a metrosexual man. You’ll feel better.

Just make sure he’s not “on the down low.”

Peace,

Jesus

-LONELY

Dear LONELY,

I answered a similar question last week from a writer who was wondering how to find “Mr. Right”.

The truth is, there are a lot of lonely guys out there who are wondering why all the women they meet are either married, gay, or immature (or all three). It goes both ways. You’re just not meeting those guys because they go to a different strip club than you do.

You have to be patient, and in the meantime work on self-improvement. Take a pottery class. Learn to juggle. Practice yoga.

Just relax, get out and enjoy your life. Before you know it, you’ll meet a wonderful guy who will be amazed at your ability to juggle ceramic vases while standing on your head.

If that doesn’t work, you might just be too attractive. Women who are unlucky enough to be extremely physically attractive often end up with the wrong type of guys. Shallow and immature guys chase after the most outwardly beautiful women, without paying attention to their inward beauty. Good men, on the other hand, often avoid the most beautiful women because, in their experience, beautiful women are often shallow and immature.

So you might need to “ugly yourself up” a little bit in order to find a good man. Stop doing your hair. Dress in baggy clothes. Don’t wear any make-up. Smear dirt all over your face if you have to.

But be an intelligent, creative, talented, confident woman with a good sense of humor and positive values. Good men will flock to you.

Then, instead of seeing you take off your make-up one day and screaming, “What have I done!?“, they’ll see you wash the dirt off your face one day and say, “Wow, I’ve done better than I thought.”

Good Luck,

JC

P.S. If you do learn to juggle ceramic vases while standing on your head, put a video of it on YouTube. I would like to see it. Thanks!

-Nacambus

Dear Nac,

It’s not impossible to wait until you’re married; it’s just highly improbable. Especially with the bodies on these chicks, nowadays. It’s gotta be the hormones in the beef…

But it can be a measure of your strength to abstain from sex. It’s something that you can feel good about. I’m sure that all your guy friends will admire your willpower when they’re discussing their sexual exploits and you proudly step forward and say, “I’m waiting for the right woman!”

And just because something feels good doesn’t mean it’s good for you. There are a lot of permanent conditions that you can catch from having sex: AIDS, herpes, parenthood… the list goes on. So sex is not something to enter into lightly. There’s also the danger of having regrettable sex. Most people who’ve had sex have had sex that they regretted afterward. You can avoid that risk by abstaining altogether.

Just don’t be like all these Catholic priests who are telling me they’re not having sex, then they’re turning around and raping the altar boys. That’s not cool with me, man. If you can’t keep it in your pants, I’d much rather you have sex with a consenting adult.

As far as freaky sex goes, if you’re having sex it might as well be freaky. It doesn’t matter to me. Straps, whips, gags, creamed corn, it’s all the same to me. I draw the line at animals, though. Some people are just sick.

As far as whether or not I died a virgin… didn’t your preacher tell you that I did? Isn’t that enough for you? Hmmm… Let me put it this way: if I did have sex (and I’m not saying I did), then I was married at the time (and I’m not saying I was). And I rocked her world (assuming it happened, which I’m not saying it did.)

Phew!

Hoping I answered your question,

Jesus

My girl and I have been dating for four years now and all is well…except one small thing…well in my case on big thing. Things between the sheets are becoming a little, well, should I say, dull? Don’t get me wrong, she’s great and I would never think of straying and no, I have turned to porn. It’s just things are becoming a little too routine and I want to know how to spice it up and have add to the flames with out hurting her feelings by bringing the subject up. She might take it the wrong way.

What should I do???

-Justin

Dear Justin,

Bring another girl in. And not just any girl — one with experience. You’ll have a great night, and your girlfriend might learn a thing or two. Or at the very least get more competitive.

What’s wrong with that? Is there something against threesomes in the Bible? If there is, I guarantee you it wasn’t a quote from me. Probably Luke, he was always a bit of a wet blanket.

But if you don’t want to take that path, fine. Your loss. Just remember this: good sex is 90% enthusiasm. So the trick is to find out how to get her more enthusiastic. Find out what she wants and give it to her, even if it’s a bit of a stretch. It should pay off for you in a big way.

Let me know how it works out,

JC

Unsure and not confident.

-John Smith

Dear John,

People these days make love so much more complicated than it needs to be. I blame R&B singers. Especially R. Kelly.

Asking me how to tell if you’re in love with your girl is like watching The 40-Year-Old Virgin and asking me how to tell if it was funny. You laughed, didn’t you? Then it was funny.

Or it’s like listening to a Brittany Spears album and asking me how to tell if it sucks or not. You felt like shoving a red-hot poker into your eardrum, didn’t you? Then it sucked.

My point is that no one else can tell you how to know when you’re in love, not even me. It’s something that you just have to know for yourself. But don’t worry about telling her. Don’t even think about it. You’ll probably just blurt it out when the time is right.

As far as not being able to take it back goes: sure you can. If you ever say “I love you” to someone and want to take it back, just pretend that isn’t what you said. Tell her that you said “all of you” or “olive hue” or “I love the view” or “isle of ewe”. Or my personal favorite, “I love Jews”. You can’t lose with that one.

Good Luck,

Jesus