-Lisa

Dear Lisa,

Are you questioning my father’s abilities? He can pop babies into wombs at will. He could snap his fingers right now and you’d be eight months pregnant. How would you like that? In fact, I have half a mind to tell Him to do it. I’ll tell him to wait until you’re not expecting it, though. Then — BAM — swollen ankles, back pain, and stretch marks!

Well, I guess you’re entitled to ask the question. Let’s just say that incest was a lot more popular back then than it is today. Well, maybe not more popular, but more acceptable. I’ve seen the Jerry Springer show, I know what you people do.

Anyway, these days everyone knows that incestual reproduction replicates recessive traits in the gene pool, thereby weakening the bloodline. Well, you probably don’t know, but everyone else does.

But back then we didn’t even know what DNA was. God didn’t even know. He was shocked when they discovered it. He was so surprised He spit out His YooHoo.

So He doesn’t really condone incest anymore. After all, He can still see the damage that those first few generations of inbreeding did to the human race. And he doesn’t even have to turn on Jerry Springer.

Thanks for the question.

JC

Blessed One

Dear Blessed One,

No. Bible classes should not be taught in public schools.

Don’t get me wrong: if a teacher wants to teach about the Bible as part of a Literature class, I have no problem with that. Next to The Da Vinci Code, the Bible is one of my favorite books. But there shouldn’t be a whole class for teaching the Bible.

That’s what your church is for, isn’t it? They should be teaching you about the Bible there. If they’re not, let me know and I’ll go have a little “talk” with them.

But if public school taught Bible classes, then people wouldn’t feel the need to go to church. They’d say, “Hey, why should I wake up early on Sunday? I learned about the Bible in school all week. I’m gonna sleep in and then watch ESPN all day!” And then their idle hands would become the devil’s workshop, and they’d start calling escort services by 2pm.

In addition to that, all of the companies that design and manufacture fancy church hats would go out of business, and the economy would be ruined.

Another problem is that if the Bible was taught in public schools, the government would have control over how it was taught. And you know how the government is. The teachers would have to change things around to be more “inclusive”, and everyone would learn about how Moses hung out with Buddha, and Muhammed had a seat at the Last Supper.

Also, if the Bible was taught in public school, think about the quality of the education. You see what a crappy job our schools do teaching our kids algebra. Do you really want them teaching the Bible? They won’t be able to get past Genesis without some ignorant kids asking stupid questions about things that don’t exist, like dinosaurs and solar fusion.

But the main reason that a Bible class shouldn’t be taught in public schools is simple: we here at headquarters like people to come to Christianity of their own accord. It works out better that way. If it was taught in public school, the kids would feel forced. And we all know that kids rebel against things that they’re forced to do. It’s human nature.

We’re big on the whole “free will” thing; we consider it one of our greatest accomplishments. So we want to force people to do things as rarely as possible. Even if they’re good things.

As a matter of fact, especially if they’re good things. That’s all the more reason that they should be a choice.

Thanks for the question,

JC

-Cupcake

Dear Cupcake,

You’ve brought up a very serious issue, and I’m going to treat it seriously. Mostly.

First, to clarify, a lot of priests have been in the news after being accused of molestation of young children, primarily altar boys who the priests have been left alone with. In most cases, it is not forced sexual intercourse: it ranges from inappropriate touching to grooming that leads to consensual sex.

I’m not saying that the molestation is not as bad as forced sexual intercourse; it is just as horrendous. The distinction is in the way that the priests view it. They are able to convince themselves that they are guilty of a lesser sin than rape. They are able to attribute their actions to momentary weakness or Satan’s trickery, and are able to convince themselves that it won’t happen again. They feel that they are able to absolve themselves of the sin through private confession or good works.

Personally, I think that any priest who molests a young child is a sick bastard. Why would you take a vow of celibacy and then turn your lust on children. I would greatly prefer for you to get married and have sex with your wife than to sneak and molest kids. Heck, I’d even prefer for you to have sex with prostitutes.

If you vow never to have sex and you slip, you’ve already failed. Why compound your failure by committing one of the greatest sins possible? If any of you priests out there start feeling an attraction to your altar boys, it’s time for you to go get a woman. A grown woman. You know what? I’d even prefer for you to get a grown man, as long as it’s a consenting adult. I won’t even take any points off your scorecard. It’s better than the alternative, after all.

And if you do molest kids, you’re gonna get punished for it eventually. I’ll make sure you’re reincarnated as a string of anal beads. Don’t think I can’t do it.

Anyway, thanks for the question, Cupcake. If you know any molester priests, tell me about them and I’ll kick their asses personally. I do not condone that crap.

JC

P.S. Something tells me you’re pretty cute. If you ever want a date with a demigod, drop me a line at askjeesus1@askjeesus.net. Peace.

Thought we were keeping it real, what up with the edited response to my last question? That’s kind of like reading a scripture or quote in the bible yesterday, then opening the same bible and reading it again but holy shit its been revised.

Any who, here’s my next question. How did the “Virgin Mary “really get pregnant? Was your dad trying to avoid child support and blamed the Holy Ghost or is Joseph your real father?

-PoBoy

Dear PoBoy,

First of all, let me explain why I edited my response to your last question. Those who are unfamiliar with the site may not realize that I have two assistants who help me maintain it. I’m old-school, man. I’m not very internet-savvy. I can’t even change the songs on my iPod without help.

So I have my two assistants, codenamed 13th Apostle and Railroad Hobo, who maintain the site and type my answers in for me. Occasionally I allow one of them to answer a question, but not very often. Aside from their ability to use the internet, they’re not very bright. On the IQ scale, they’d fall just above Britney Spears and just below a sweet potato pie.

Anyway, 13th Apostle’s girlfriend saw my response to your question and thought that it was too rude. For some reason she blamed him. You remember what they did to me on the cross? That was nothing compared to the treatment 13th Apostle got from his girlfriend. And this time he was paying for my sins.

See, sometimes it’s hard for me to relate to modern sensibilities. Like I said: I’m old-school. In my day, people weren’t so easily offended. I used to make fun of Judas’s stutter all the time. He used to call me “J-J-J-Jesus.” It cracked me up!!!

Now that I think of it, maybe that’s why he turned on me…

But just because I don’t relate to that kind of sensitivity doesn’t mean I don’t sympathize. I sympathized with the possibility that I’d offended someone, and I also sympathized with 13th Apostle, who had to listen to his girlfriend’s incessant nagging.

So I edited the response a bit, to make it more “polite”. The essense of it is still the same. You said it’s like reading a revised Bible? Well, do you know how many different versions of the Bible there are? And good luck finding one that’s faithful to the original text. So consider the revision to be the King James Version of my response. A little bit different, but what the hell. It’s all you’ve got.

Now on to your second question: you wanna know if my momma was really a virgin. You wanna know if God was really my father, or if Joseph was.

I almost wanna call Maury Povich. God and Joseph could go on the show and take DNA tests to determine paternity. Imagine the look on God’s face if Maury said, “God, you are… NOT the father.”

Unfortunately that won’t work, because Joseph is dead and God has no DNA. So I’ll just have to tell you.

It doesn’t matter who was the biological father. God wasn’t working in the fields to support me, or rubbing my mothers feet when she got tired. That was Joseph. God didn’t teach me how to throw a fishing net or build a chair. That was Joseph. God didn’t show me his drawings of naked women when I turned sixteen. That was Joseph.

As for my mother: c’mon, man. That’s my mother! I can’t tell you if she was knockin’ boots! I don’t even like to think about it!

The important thing is that I’m here, and you’re here too.

And we all know that your momma was knockin’ boots! Hahaha!

Thanks for the question,

Jesus

-PoBoy

Dear PoBoy,

Seriously though, how come I have to keep explaining to people that I’m not God? If I was, then why would I have asked “my God, why have you forsaken me” when I was on the cross? For dramatic effect? I have to admit, though, it makes for a very lucrative movie.

Although I still haven’t gotten my check for The Passion of the Christ. I’m pretty sure I own the rights to that story. I’m just sayin’.

There is a God, so your grandmother didn’t lie to you (unless she told you that there was a Santa Claus. Then she lied her ass off.). But I am not God. I’m Jesus. I don’t deal crushing blows; I heal people and spread good vibes.

As far as the Muslims go… well, Islamic fanaticism is a complicated issue. I think I’ll allow my good friend and tennis partner Muhammed to explain.

Thanks,

Jesus H. Christ (The “H” is for “Happy Face”)

Dear Poboy,

Muhammed

Dear Poboy,

Hey, it’s Jesus again. Just wanted to say that having four wives isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Think of all the nagging! I’m just sayin’…

Jesus

-Mr. Bo Planters

Dear Mr. Planters,

First of all, they’re not my laws. I’m not the one you have to worry about. I’m not the one who’s been accused of worldwide homicide by drowning! I’m not the one who’s been accused of turning people into pillars of salt! But that’s how it is, I guess: you hang out with someone enough and you start getting blamed for the things the other person does.

If anything, I should be afraid of you people. You’re the ones who have ceremonies where you pretend to drink my blood and eat my flesh. That’s creepy!

But whether or not you should fear God is a different question. Same answer, but different question.

I don’t understand why so many people who claim to worship God attribute so many clearly negative traits to Him. He’s understood to be jealous, vengeful, vain, petty, aloof, biased, and angry. Many of His followers refer to themselves as “God-fearing” people. But can you love someone and fear them at the same time? And if you have good reason to fear someone, how can they love you?

I mean, I know I child can love his mother in general, but fear her when she gets drunk and starts throwing platform shoes at him. But if he fears her all the time, then there’s a problem in the relationship.

Of course, that’s not a valid comparison because “God works in mysterious ways”, right? Wrong. That phrase is not even from the Bible. God never said that He wanted His motives to be a mystery. If He did, why would He give us the Bible in the first place? He could have just given us James and the Giant Peach, which is much more entertaining to read.

If God made man in His image, then the traits that we see as positive characteristics should be traits that we attribute to God: kindness, mercy, compassion, generosity, minty fresh breath, and courage. People talk about God’s mercy like peasants would talk about the mercy of a tyrant; as if God is showing us infinite mercy and kindness by not slaughtering us every time He’s in a bad mood. Do you think that God is only good sometimes? God is not your alcoholic mother!

A perfect God would exhibit those traits all the time, and He would want us to have those traits as well. He would not want us to live in fear of Him, and he would not want our motivation for doing good to be fear of punishment. Acting out of fear does not make you a better person. You have to do right because you know it’s the right thing to do.

And if you’re following someone who’s angry and wants you to fear him… it’s probably not God. Ask him to show some ID.

Thanks,

Jesus

-Mr. Bo Planters

Dear Mr. Planters,

I can see why it doesn’t make sense to you that some of my followers worship the cross. It doesn’t make sense to me either. It’s like if Martin Luther King Jr.’s followers hung little rifles all over the place in his honor. Or if Dracula fans hung wooden stakes around their necks.

Or remember that guy in Seatlle who died from injuries sustained while allowing a horse to sodomize him? It would be like if his family put little wooden horse penises all over their homes. It just wouldn’t add up.

As far as the use of my image goes, I would prefer a different representation. Nobody likes to get lynched, but seeing little statues of your lynching all over the place can be really nerve-wracking. First of all, it wasn’t my best day. I look emaciated, weak, and defeated. I was a pretty strong guy in my lifetime. And I was also very good-looking (if I do say so myself). I’d rather be depicted with my shirt off, the sun on my back, muscles rippling as I hauled in a net full of fish. That would be hot.

But I get the idea: people want to be reminded of my suffering. And that’s fine if that’s what you use the cross for. But don’t use it as an ornament to impress your friends. Don’t cover it with expensive, ostentatious jewels and precious metals. What message is that sending? That I suffered so that you could get rich?

Um… no, I didn’t. Jackass.

But the real reason that people are so obsessed with the cross reaches back through history to the time of Constantine. And I don’t mean the movie starring Keanu “I Do All My Acting With One Facial Expression” Reeves. I mean Flavius Valerius Aurelius LeeRoy Constantinus, the Roman Emporer who in 325 AD summoned the Council of Nicaea, which basically transformed Christianity into a more easily swallowed pill.

“In hoc signo vinces.” Constantine claimed to have received this message in a dream along with a vision of a cross. It’s basically Latin for “in this sign you will conquer.” And that’s what he did.

And that’s the basis for what the majority of Christians believe today. Christianity lasted less than 300 years before becoming a tool that power-grabbing leaders could use to manipulate the masses. But, hey, I’m not bitter.

On a related subject, Barack Obama recently decided to stop wearing his flag-shaped lapel pin all the time. After the September 11, 2001 terrorist attacks, wearing the pin became a fad for US citizens who wanted to appear patriotic, particularly for politicians and journalists. Obama says that he’d rather let his words and actions demonstrate his patriotism, and that he doesn’t need a flag pin to show it.

Amazingly, he’s getting criticized for his decision. Now I’m not the biggest Barack Obama fan in the world, but I can appreciate the choice he’s making. I understand.

A lot of people use the cross to show that they’re Christians instead of showing it through their words and actions. Which is a shame, because a lot of people who wear the cross aren’t really Christians. So please, people, show your Christianity through your deeds, not through an image of a torture device on a chain around your neck.

Adios,

Jesus

PS. Or Your Dad could just be gay!

-Angelina

Dear Angelina,

Trying to get God out of the closet, eh? No, God is not gay, although He is a bit of a metrosexual (He gets a pedicure every freakin’ night).

But before I answer your question as to whether God is male or female, I want to address the idea that a man couldn’t have created the beauty of the Earth. Many of the world’s greatest painters, sculptors, poets, novelists, architects, movie directors, and other types of artists were men. Men like Leonardo Da Vinci, Michelangelo, and all those other guys who have ninja turtles named after them. That proves that men are capable of creating extraordinarily beautiful things.

Of course, most of those guys probably were gay.

But the answer to your question is this: God does not have a gender. God is an omnipotent power, not a corporeal form. God does not have a constant physical shape, nor does He have a need to mate with an opposite sex; therefore, there is no need for a gender.

We usually refer to God as “He” because it’s easier for humans to think of things in familiar terms. It’s difficult for the mind to contemplate interacting with a being who transcends human limitations such as space, time, physics, and gender.

Also, some of our more misguided followers over the years have used the male pronouns to make women feel like they are less important. Women, you are extremely important.

And we have to remember that point: if we assign God a gender, we’re assigning Him a human limitation.

In the above sentence, I could have just as easily (and just as correctly) used the word “Her”.

Me, on the other hand? I’m all man, baby. Make no mistake about it.

Although I also enjoy a pedicure now and then.

Thanks,

Jesus

P.S. You mentioned the three “major” world religions all believing that God is a man. If you meant the three largest religions, that would be Christianity, Islam, and Hinduism. Christianity and Islam are both rooted in the same book, and Hindu beliefs are a little more… complicated. Food for thought.