WHY, and there is a HUGE emphasis on the WHY, Why is it that as we get progressively older as humans men get better looking, more attractive, and literally sexier than they were at 20; whereas woman well…lets just say when men get divorced at an older age they don’t go for another woman within their age group: they go for some 20 year old pin up doll and then when we’re left single and go for another older men.

As women when we begin to age our breast begin to um, give way to the natural effect of gravity. Our skin loosens, our butts aren’t as firm, our faces wrinkle (which on an aging man is very becoming), our eyes yellow, nails become brittle, our hair thins out and the list goes on and on.

Yet I would have to say the two worst things that happen to us as a women and our cursed bodies is the physical transformation of both the outer and the inner body. We as women want so badly to have the child (or children) of man that we are so in love with and give our entire lives to him. So we have a night of passionate love making or a one night stand or quickie, get pregnant, go through nine months of bodily transformation that will never be fully reversed (without plastic surgery and pain), have 1-to God knows how many children and get completely shafted.

Now I’m not complaining about the pregnancy, birth or child part, to me that is a glorious miracle that I really wish men could experience. What I am referring to is the aftermath. The external things that the entire world can see. The stretch marks that will never let you where a bikini to the beach again. The not so firm and subtle breast that are left sagging after breast feeding for a year and now have become your baby’s pacifier and favorite object to grab when it used to be your husbands. The thinning hair that you dye and curl try to hide the grays. Now we get to the internal…or at least the part that no one sees but your husband is able to feel (and see). The stretching of the vagina, it NEVER goes back to the way it was before. It is forever marked as your child’s entrance into this world, unless you had a cesarean section which is even more horrendous in different but scarring ways.

Now I don’t want you to get this twisted I’m not some emotionally weak, lack of self esteem, self worth, or have some distorted view of my physical appearance. I’m very happy in my skin and who I am as a woman and know that having children is what I want in my life (along with a prosperous carrier which I’m sure you are going to bless with me with, you know the field that I’m studying ). I simply want to know why it is that men get better looking and physically more appealing as they get older (especially in the baby making area), whereas women just deteriorate for lack of better words. If my mama didn’t raise me right I would be very depressed right now.

Just tell me why. Is it because you’re a man and you though it would be funny to just make men luckier than women or is it because Eve fudged it up for all women of all time?

-pissed off at men

Dear pissed off at men,

Well, I had to take my spank’in new Apple Macbook to the pool side, not just to tan my rock hard body, but to read your crazy long question under the peaceful sun. Oh, I wish everybody could just step outside for a quick minute and feel this warm radiant heat but I must digress.

Back to you dilemma; so you’re saying you don’t like the gifts of stretch marks, saggy tata’s, brittle nails, thinning hair, etc?! Damn it! I had it wrong this whole time!! I mean, Peter, Andrew, James and John (my homies aka The Disciplez) kept on teasing me about my horrible taste of women and I just brushed it off while saying to myself, ‘What do they know about women?!”

Ultimately, I never found that perfect, captivating woman and now I know why. Thanks for bringing this to light!

Even though men become better looking over time and you have to give up those hot body features all the boys in the sandbox went ‘gaga’ for, you have something that no man has: the gift to give life. Enough said. Hard to believe? There’s this guy that longed to give birth to a child for the longest time. He envies you!

So cheer up! After giving birth, your life is not over. You can always join the prestigious, growing society of MILF’s and/or Cougar’s. **RAWR!** Go out there and have some fun you sly-devil hunter you. I’ll forgive you this one time, just don’t forget to go to church this week and ask for forgiveness. Hell, you can even blame it on the a-a-a-alcohol.

Oh, look at the time. I have to take a shower, iron my clothes and get ready to meet up with the Disciplez at the club tonight.

A proud promoter of Axe body spray,

Jeesus

-Dan

Dear Dan,

Sterol, by itself in it’s truest form, does not build muscle. In it’s truest form, sterol is an oil derived from steroids itself.

If you’re interested in building body mass, stick with the old school irons and eating right. What’s the point trying to accelerate a personal goal? You have to ask yourself, what’s the point of creating goals in the first place if you’re trying to ‘cheat’ your way to the top.

Do it righteous way and bask yourself with self-achievements and accomplishments.

The sole proprietor of the righteous way,

JC

-Dan

Dear Dan,

I’m a bit biased against using any type of supplements to increase anything unless you were born with some type of natural deficiency.

Have you seen pictures of me before? All natural baby! I was looking good back in the days and I didn’t have to show it off wearing those tight, some what metro sexual muscle shirts. You don’t want to be like this weird guy..

Roid Head Loves Himself – Watch more Free Videos

If you insist on taking creatine, please let it be known that this is a supplement. Taking too much of a supplement will not give you super human king kong like strengths any quicker than taking the recommended amount. From what I have heard, taking too much will only benefit your accuracy-skills in regards to shooting laser beams from your eye-balls.

For best results, creatine should not be taken with caffeinated drinks. In some research, creatine mixed with caffeinated drinks actually slows the muscle building affects when taken with different type of drinks. Creatine would be best taken with glucose or fructose based drinks.

Your super duper ripped friend,

JC

P.S.- Please note, anything posted here is just for hurmor; so if you decide to drink that 8 gallon drum of creatine and land yourself in the hospital, you’re on your own. Don’t be blaming JC for new found dumbass-ness.

-cdcdsc

Dear cdcdsc,

The mirror test, for those of you who are not omniscient like I am, was a test of self-awareness first developed in 1970 by Gordon Gallup Jr. It’s almost as simple as it sounds: basically the test determined which animals, of those tested, could recognize their own reflection in a mirror, rather than thinking the relection was another member of the same species.

The animals that passed included the following: the great apes (chimps, orangutans, gorillas), dolphins, elephants, rats, octopuses, rhesus monkeys, and humans.

There is one notable exception. George W. Bush, though by all appearances human, actually failed the mirror test. Upon seeing his reflection, he promptly designated it an enemy combatant and declared war on it.

I hope I’ve answered your question.

JC

- Jerry

Dear Jerry,

Thank you for submitting this question. I strongly feel that almost everybody in the world don’t know what they are actually consuming these days. The only group of people who have some type knowledge what they are consuming are the Asians and the Latinos; If they say chicken foot soup, believe me, it’s chicken foot soup! Nothing more and nothing less.

Mountain dew isn’t radioactive green just for nothing. Sure, it will shrink your kids ding-dong but how much it will shrink will all depends. If you drink the dew every once in a while, then you’re okay. You can still aspire becoming America’s next top porno star. Unless you drink a case of that stuff everyday, then you can legally considered yourself as a transvestite.

On top of Moutain Dew making you lose your ding-dong and your pimp status, there’s also other things you have to contend with in life such as: Red Bull giving everybody wings, and Taco Bell giving everybody the runs.

What’s wrong with good, dependable crystal-clear water and kosher foods?

Your friend,

JC

-Lily is Curious

Dear Lily,

Ostrich?! Oh, those things! I kind of messed up when I created the Ostrich. I had intentions on making a super size chicken to complement the Chick-fil-a worshipers but the concept never really took off (pun not intended). One of these days, I will complete my super size chicken; on this planet or on another planet, there will be a super size chicken.

So you’re curious on how the Ostriches do the funky stuff, make love, knock boots, have sex, and get it on. I bet you and all of your girlfriends got tired talking about your crappy husband’s love making skills and started to wonder off with the animals.

Well, I can’t tell you how ostrich’s get their grove on. Whatever they do should be a sacred practice just like with you and your love one.

Your Zoo Keeper,

JC.

P.S. If you really want to know, you can look at some ostrich porn on the National Geographic Channel.

Now for the first day or so, I’ll admit, it’s pretty cool not having to go to work or fold that pile of laundry sitting in the corner of your laundry room, or worry about what to cook for dinner (because now you have an excuse to blow your grocery budget and order “take out”). But after that first day or so it gets annoying. You sit up in bed and you feel like your heads going to explode, you answer the phone and everyone reacts with “OH, you sound horrible, AHH you sound like a man.” You lose your ability to smell or taste anything, all you want to eat is soup and jello…and maybe a little ice cream (thats the other bonus point of being sick, you can eat a whole pint of Ben and Jerrys by yourself and no one will look at you like “you’re better off putting that back in the freezer and going to the gym.”–They realize and feel your pain, you can only eat soup, Jello and ice cream).

Whats the point of torturing us feeble humans in this manner? If there is no intention of us dying, why do we even have to get sick. Frankly I think you should only have us get sick if you have full intentions of killing us off. If not let me have the ability to enjoy that sirloin steak my fiancee was going to grill for me last night that I completely turned him down on because I wanted a stupid bowl of soup!!!

-At Home Sick

Dear At Home Sick,

I’m about to change the name of this site to blamejeesus.net.

So far, I’ve been blamed for everything from racism to rich rappers to raindrops.

Now I’m responsible for your germ infestation, too? I use diseases as a method of population control? Who do you think I am? Hitler?

Well, I’m different from Hitler in two important ways:

1) I have vastly superior facial hair, and

2) I don’t kill people off to reduce the population.

And why is it that Satan isn’t getting the blame for these diseases? He gets credit for all the cool stuff like rock music and prostitution, but the minute somebody gets the sniffles it’s “Jesus, why are you doing this to me?!”

Can you picture me in a lab somewhere creating biological weapons and laughing like a super-villain? That’s just not the case. Diseases are a product of a vast ecosystem that contains everything from complex organisms like mammals and reptiles to tiny bacteria, viruses, and parasites. Some organisms get along with one another, but some just don’t know how to play nice.

Have you considered that occasional sickness might be God’s way of keeping people humble? Imagine how much more arrogant and egotistic you people might be if you could never get sick. Doesn’t it serve to remind you of your human limitations? It could be worse. God could just come down personally and beat the crap out of you every few days. I think you’re getting off easy with a slight fever.

And remember that most of the symptoms you experience are not caused by the disease; they’re evidence of your body’s natural defenses to fight off the disease. If your temperature rises, it’s to create an environment that’s inhospitable to germs. If your nose runs or you vomit all over your fiance’s lap, that’s your body’s way of removing harmful materials. That’s why you have to be careful what medicine you take. Many medicines on the market (antihistamines, etc.) prevent symptoms rather than attacking the disease. So you’ll think you’re getting better when you stop coughing, but it’s actually shutting down your body’s natural defenses and making you sick longer.

Also… I’m not a doctor, but… um… ice cream might not be the best thing for you if you have a cold. I’d stick to the soup. Although I know when that Chunky Monkey calls, it’s hard not to accept the charges.

Get Well Soon,

JC

P.S. Your fiance wasn’t really going to grill you a steak. He only offered cause he knew you’d be too sick to accept. That way he’d get brownie points without actually having to do anything. It’s the oldest trick in the book.

Is it true that when it rains it is because you are crying?

And if so, what are you crying about?

-Rainy Days

Dear Rainy Days,

Yes. It rains because I’m crying. And Santa Claus brings you presents on my birthday.

That’s what I should be crying about, by the way. You get presents for my birthday. How screwed up is that?

I should be the one getting the presents, shouldn’t I? Especially after all I did for you ingrates. The least you can do is chip in to buy me a pair of Air Jordans. These sandals I have are almost two thousand years old, and they were never very good for running in the first place.

So, because I’m bitter and my feet hurt, I’m going to share a few things with you:

1. There is no Santa Claus. He’s just as imaginary as all the other holiday icons, such as the Easter Bunny and Christopher Columbus.

2. I wear a size eleven-and-a-half sneaker. Just for the record.

3. It rains because water on the Earth evaporates, condenses in the air, and then falls back down in the form of precipitation. Not because I cry. That’s ridiculous; I’m only one man!

I suppose you thought that snow was my dandruff or something, huh? You went to public school, didn’t you? You should’ve learned this stuff!

High school graduates walking around thinking that I control the rain with my body fluids. That’s another thing that makes me cry.

(Sigh)

Thanks for the question,

Jesus

-40’s

Dear 40’s,

Man, I was hoping nobody would ask this question.

Okay, look: some scientists have said that the precise combination of conditions that coincided to create the emergence of complex life forms on this planet is so improbable that it almost certainly has not been repeated elsewhere in the universe. They would probably put the odds at something like 1/100,000,000.

They’re wrong, of course. Any free-thinking, optimistic young scientist would see that the universe, by definition, is infinite. And an infinite universe would move the denominator of the fraction infinitely close to zero. So for all intents and purposes, the probability of complex alien life is more like n/0, with n being any number that you choose to plug in. It could be 1/0, 13/0, or 100,000,000/0. It doesn’t matter, because they’re all basically equivalent to 1. Which is 100%. So, scientifically speaking, there is almost certainly life on other planets.

Of course, none of that crazy math matters, because we aren’t speaking scientifically. Because a random combination of environmental factors did not create life on Earth. God did. And He did it in a couple of days.

So did God create life on any other planets? Yes. The reason He was able to do it so quickly on Earth was that He practiced first on other planets.

On second thought, maybe I shouldn’t have said anything. Well, I’ll just cross out this part and tell you people what you want to hear. I’ll leave this section to be read by the wisest among you.

So Earth is the only planet with life. Yup. Absolutely.

Thanks for the question,

Jesus