Archive for the ‘Social/Political Questions’ Category
Why do they (the government)call my id/resident card a Green card when it is actually white? and on top it says:Resident Alien?
November 6th, 2009
Well, being an immigrant I wanted to know why do they (the government)call my id/resident card a Green card when it is actually white? and on top it says:Resident Alien?
-Peruvian42
Dear Peruvian42,
Hola! (Which also means ‘Hello’).
The strange nature about your government is that they, unfortunately, have always labeled outsiders with color. Since the conception of this country, starting from the invasion of the British Red coats, then came U.S.S.R. Red commies, then came the Blue man group, and then out of nowhere came you: aliens. Well, Green aliens to be exact.
We all know you come here in peace and that you mean no harm. To ensure peace, again, your government wanted a way to keep track of you via a high tech piece of equipment called: the immigration card. The immigration card is a simple concept; just like a credit card but without any money, you carry this piece of paper around and somehow the government and its fellow citizens feel safe from outer space attacks and abductions.
Over time, the aliens didn’t like to be labeled as immigrants; they just wanted to fit in and contribute to the rest of society. After much lobbying, protesting, and several terrifying U.F.O. sightings, the ‘immigration card’ changed to the… Green card.
Now, everything good in this world is represented by the color Green: Green trees, Green traffic lights, Green American Express, Green M&M’s, and the Greenbay Packers just to name a few.
Oh, that reminds me; I have to head out to Greenwise Market for some Green eggs and ham.
Hasta luego,
Jeesus (or Hay-soos).
Tags: abductions, aliens, green card, immigrants, ussr
Posted in Social/Political Questions | Comments (0)
Who Are The Mexicans of the Asian World?
October 18th, 2008
who are the mexicans of the asian world?
-Burning Jew
Dear Burning Jew,
That’s an interesting name you’ve got there. I’m not sure why you’re burning, but you might want to go to the clinic and have it checked out. I could heal you, of course, if I wanted to — but I am not laying hands on that!
On to your question: the Mexicans of the Asian world are… the Mexicans! That’s right. The Mexican people are descended (primarily) from the Native Americans — the Aztecs, Olmecs, Mayans, and whatnot — who first migrated to what is now North America across what is now the Bering Strait from what is now Asia. Therefore, the Mexican people are of Asian descent. Crazy, isn’t it?
If you’re asking which Asian people are most like the Mexicans… that’s a tough one. There are a lot of Asian peoples who share qualities that are characteristic of Mexican people: they are hard-working, industrious, family-oriented, short, and low in facial hair. They also eat a lot of rice.
But you probably want an actual answer, huh? Okay… the Chinese. You happy, jackass?
Thanks!
Jeesus H. Christ (the “H” is for “hola”)
Tags: asians, mexicans
Posted in Social/Political Questions | Comments (0)
Why Am I Not At The Top Of My Friends My Space List?
October 18th, 2008
dear jeesus,
i’m new at this whole my space thing and i already feel left out. why am i not at the top of my friends my space list? i feel very left out. how do i get to the top and not continue to be a “my space loser?”
-tom’s best friend
Dear Tom’s Best Friend,
Just hang in there. Myspace is just like anything else in life; we always have to start from the bottom and it’s up to us to climb up the ladder to accomplish our goals.
Don’t feel so bad, as I have finally created a myspace page a month ago and have been gaining friends here and there. Sure it’s a slow process, but that’s how I would like it to be. I would hate receiving 1,000+ requests a day saying, “I love you Jeesus! You’re so funny! May you please be my friend?!” I can bearly keep up with the 1,000+ requests just from you earthlings requesting ,”I love him, he beats me, should I stay with him?” Ugh! **Shakes head in disbelief**
I guess you’re a female so you have it pretty good for now, as most guys have to filter those strange friend’s request. You know, the request with some “nice” girl name Ashley wanting you to be her friend with a profile picture of her booty bent over, like she wants you to do something crazy to it.
Some times in life, things will come to you but for the most part, it would be best advise for you to create you own path and seek for those particular friends for yourself. Once you create a clear and clean path, usually the same quality of people will soon travel on that same road back to you.
And there is nothing wrong having Tom as your best friend; he has feelings too!
Your Best Bud,
JC!
-If you need a friend, I’ll be there for you. Just send a request to myspace.com/askjeesus.
Tags: friends, list, myspace, people, top
Posted in Social/Political Questions | Comments (0)
Why Not Allow Black Folk To Be Called Niggers?
October 18th, 2008
Hey son,
Why is it that the earthlings don’t seem to allow the sperior white race to call the balck folk niggers?
A little insight would be great.
Thanks
-Dad
Dear “Dad”,
Nice try, genius. Too bad my father never contacts me here. He has my personal email address and my cell phone number. Also, He knows that there is no superior race. And even if He was gonna ask such a jackass question as yours, He would spellcheck it before He sent it.
The fact is, my father already knows everything, so he wouldn’t have to ask. But, Whoever-you-are, since you did have to ask, I’m gonna answer your question.
The fact is that many people do endorse the use of the word “nigger” to describe black people. It is usually those who understand that all people are created equal and who are concerned about hurting one another’s feelings that discourage it. Since you don’t seem to be one of those people, allow me to educate you.
There are many black people who are smarter than you, more athletic than you, more talented than you, better looking than you, kinder than you, and superior to you in many ways. In fact, there are people of every race who could defeat you in any contest. So how could you consider your race superior?
Right now the only thing distinguishing you is your bigotry, and it’s not a good quality to have. It’s making you, personally, look quite inferior.
That being said, you have a right to be as ignorant as you want to. I just want you to know you have the ability to rise above it.
But think how you feel if someone called you a potato-picking paddy. Not very good, right?
Think about it.
Jeesus
Tags: black, folk, spellcheck
Posted in Social/Political Questions | Comments (0)
Where Can I Find Good Quality Films?
October 18th, 2008
Where I can find good quality films?
Can anyone help me?
-Penunatoaudip
Dear Penunawhatever,
Is your local movie theater letting you down? Tired of movies about Alaskan vampires or human/honeybee interspecies dating? Wondering why Samuel L. Jackson seems to be in almost every movie ever made?
Well, you’re not alone. You can find quality films at the movie theater, but you first have to filter through all the mind-numbing crap. There are other places, however, where you can search to find exactly what you want. Like the fabulous fun-filled internet.
There are great sites like www.atomfilms.com or www.joost.com which allow you to watch independent short films. If you don’t like short films, that’s okay. Just play them very slowly, and they’ll turn into long films.
Or you can visit a site like www.getnakedmovies.com. Or you can go to the nearest smut shop. You pervert.
Another option is to visit your local bootleg movie distributor. Those folks work hard to sneak camcorders into theaters and illegally download content from the web. Check them out; you never know what they’ll have in stock. And it’s like playing the lottery every time you buy a movie: the quality could be anywhere from “horrible” to “actually kinda good”.
I hope I’ve been able to help you, Penunablahblahblahblahblah. Enjoy your movie watching experience.
Thanks!
JC
Tags: films
Posted in Social/Political Questions | Comments (0)
What In Tarnations Does The Term “Pretty Please” Imply?
October 18th, 2008
What in tarnations does the term “Pretty please” imply?
-Mr. Bo Planters
Dear Mr. Planters,
I’m glad you asked. A lot of people don’t know that “pretty please” originated from the French phrase “prix de plis”, which literally translates as “price of pleats”.
In the late eighteenth century, homosexuality was widely persecuted in France. Gay men needed a way to discreetly identify one another in society. So they came up with various code words and phrases which were meaningless to most people, but which fellow homosexuals instantly recognized as sexual advances.
One of these phrases was “prix de plis”. Because no heterosexual man would be expected to know the price of pleated pants, they would in most cases simply shrug when they heard the phrase. But a gay man would recognize it as an offer of oral sex, to which they would reply “dix-huit francs” if they chose to accept.
Americans heard the phrase from French immigrants and didn’t know what it meant. They simply saw that those who spoke it tended to be treated favorably by the other party, sometimes even receiving money or other valuables before the two would walk away together. The Americans began to use it themselves when making requests of one another, mispronouncing the quote as “pretty please” instead of “prix de plis”. Many Americans still use the phrase to this day, never suspecting that they’re actually using an old French code to offer oral sex.
Glad I could help!
JC
P.S. Other phrases which originated as offers to perform oral sex include “I pledge allegiance”, “irregardless”, and “Fallout Boy rocks”.
Tags: please, pretty
Posted in Social/Political Questions | Comments (0)
Why Is It That Women Have Gotten Such A Bad Wrap With Driving?
October 18th, 2008
Jeesus,
I wanna know why is it that women have gotten such a bad wrap with driving? I’m a women and I can drive really well. I can even drive a manual! There are plenty of women who are fully capable drivers…even better than men. Take Danica Patrick for example: She’s one of the top racers in the IRL!!! Please explain to me why is it that women always get pinned with the bad wrap when it comes to the road?
-Box Car Racer
Dear Box Car Racer,
Do you know any really, really stupid guys? I mean someone so stupid that when Apple came out with the iPhone, he actually held it up to his eye and tried to talk?
That person, unfortunately, has no idea that he is so stupid. He probably thinks he’s just as smart as everyone else.
It’s the same thing with you and your driving. You’re not a good driver. You just think you are. But you’re a woman, which makes it very unlikely. Why? Because:
A) Women are almost never good drivers, and
B) Women are almost always wrong
LOL… I’m just kidding, ladies, you’re just as capable of driving as men are. I was just trying to be funny. I would never truly say anything so derogatory and chauvinistic.
So there’s no need to throw a hissy fit.
Thanks!
JC
Tags: driving, women
Posted in Social/Political Questions | Comments (0)
Everytime I go to the store, I always see women with those huge hand bags holding up the line
October 18th, 2008
Everytime I go to the store, I always see women with those huge hand bags holding up the line because they have so much junk in them, they have to fish for their credit card/cash. I just don’t understand why they just carry what they need. Please enlighten me.
- Patient Customer
Dear Patient Customer,
I understand how this boggles your mind. Disregarding the other “men” that still think fanny packs are cool, most men utilize these nifty little things called “wallets”. You just stuff whatever cash you have, pictures of your wife/girlfriend/the girl you’d like to be with/the other fall back girl you’d like to be with and so on.
Simple, but yet a smart concept which I would like to call “organization”.
Ladies have this thing where they must cram every single little thing in their purse making the seams hold together for dear life. Somewhere down there is that credit card she’s fishing for, while the checkout line gets held up.
This is what I like to call “disorganization”.
Even though you might want to pack light so you can accomplish your task in the most effective and efficient manner, there will always be the yang to disrupt your own harmony. Sometimes you need that disruption to slow your life down and give you that time you need to reflect, “what the hell is that lady packing in that purse?!”
Your enlightenment,
JC
Tags: hand bags, women
Posted in Social/Political Questions | Comments (0)
“Playas” And “Sluts”; Why The Double Standard?
October 18th, 2008
Hey up there!
Why is it that when a man is with ten women he gets called a pimp or is thought of as a ‘playa’ and looked at as a desirable object; whereas a women who sleeps with ten men is looked at as a slut, used goods, leftovers? Why the double standard?
-Sexually Curious
Dear Sexually Curious,
That’s easy. It’s because people in your society generally are not admired for doing things that are easy to do. They’re admired for doing things that are HARD to do.
If a Harvard professor reads Green Eggs And Ham, I wouldn’t be impressed. Because that’s easy for him to do.
But if R. Kelly reads Green Eggs And Ham I would be impressed. Because that’s HARD for him to do.
Do you see the difference?
It has nothing to do with gender bias. The fact is, getting laid is much more of an accomplishment for a man than it is for a woman.
As the great philosopher Chris Rock once noted, if you’re a woman every man you’ve met since you were thirteen has been trying to have sex with you.
Now if you actually LET every man that you met since you were thirteen have sex with you, you’re a slut.
But show me a man who’s had sex with every woman he’s met since he was thirteen, and I’ll show you a superhero. A superhero with a lot of STDs, but a superhero nonetheless.
Thanks,
Jesus H. Christ (the “H” is for “hard to get”)
P.S. Don’t think women aren’t admired for being sluts, also. Look at Paris Hilton and Anna Nicole Smith.
Tags: playa, sluts, standard
Posted in Social/Political Questions | Comments (0)
Pro Choice or Pro Life? Are You A Republican Or A Democrat?
October 18th, 2008
JC,
Important question that I’m sure you would like to answer: Pro Choice or Pro Life?
Are you a Republican or a Democrat…Or we could even a ‘liberal-conservative.’
-Emily
Dear Emily,
Little known fact: my mother’s husband wanted her to abort me. He said he would never be able to raise someone else’s child. He wanted to make it work, wanted to pretend that I was his. But he was afraid that every time he looked at me he would just see God.
Fortunately, my mother was able to convince him to change his mind. It was fortunate for him because God probably would’ve been a bit peeved if I was aborted. It was fortunate for me because abortion in those days consisted of a horrendous process involving a hedgehog, a cobra, and razor-sharp tongs.
Actually, I just made up the above story for shock value (the same reason I walked on water). But the part about the abortion process is true. Fortunately, the technique has improved over the years to the point that they’ve managed to eliminate the hedgehog and the cobra.
I’m pro-life, generally speaking. There are extenuating circumstances, of course, but in most cases I’m against abortion. I’m a big fan of giving a conceived child a chance to live out his or her potential on Earth.
Besides, what if I choose to be reborn again onto the Earth, and the baby is aborted? That would kinda suck!
As far as whether I’m a Republican or a Democrat, I think the political system in the United States is one of the most ridiculous things that mankind has ever come up with. Regular people don’t just fall within one category or the other, you know. Unless they’re brainwashed, that is.
The major political parties only represent corporations and special interests; they don’t represent people. I’d run for the 2008 Presidency myself, but I’m not a US citizen.
Thank God.
Forever Yours,
Jesus H. Christ (the “H” stands for “Hillary in ‘08″
Tags: democrat, republican
Posted in Social/Political Questions | Comments (0)
