Should Bible Classes Be Taught In Public Schools?
October 18th, 2008
Should Bible Classes Be Taught in Public Schools?
Blessed One
Dear Blessed One,
No. Bible classes should not be taught in public schools.
Don’t get me wrong: if a teacher wants to teach about the Bible as part of a Literature class, I have no problem with that. Next to The Da Vinci Code, the Bible is one of my favorite books. But there shouldn’t be a whole class for teaching the Bible.
That’s what your church is for, isn’t it? They should be teaching you about the Bible there. If they’re not, let me know and I’ll go have a little “talk” with them.
But if public school taught Bible classes, then people wouldn’t feel the need to go to church. They’d say, “Hey, why should I wake up early on Sunday? I learned about the Bible in school all week. I’m gonna sleep in and then watch ESPN all day!” And then their idle hands would become the devil’s workshop, and they’d start calling escort services by 2pm.
In addition to that, all of the companies that design and manufacture fancy church hats would go out of business, and the economy would be ruined.
Another problem is that if the Bible was taught in public schools, the government would have control over how it was taught. And you know how the government is. The teachers would have to change things around to be more “inclusive”, and everyone would learn about how Moses hung out with Buddha, and Muhammed had a seat at the Last Supper.
Also, if the Bible was taught in public school, think about the quality of the education. You see what a crappy job our schools do teaching our kids algebra. Do you really want them teaching the Bible? They won’t be able to get past Genesis without some ignorant kids asking stupid questions about things that don’t exist, like dinosaurs and solar fusion.
But the main reason that a Bible class shouldn’t be taught in public schools is simple: we here at headquarters like people to come to Christianity of their own accord. It works out better that way. If it was taught in public school, the kids would feel forced. And we all know that kids rebel against things that they’re forced to do. It’s human nature.
We’re big on the whole “free will” thing; we consider it one of our greatest accomplishments. So we want to force people to do things as rarely as possible. Even if they’re good things.
As a matter of fact, especially if they’re good things. That’s all the more reason that they should be a choice.
Thanks for the question,
JC
Tags: bible, class, public, schools, taught
Posted in Religious Questions | Comments (0)
If You Are Taking Creatine… Can You Drink Caffeinated Drinks And Not Ruin The Creatine?
October 18th, 2008
If you are taking creatine… can you drink caffeinated drinks and not ruin the creatine?
-Dan
Dear Dan,
I’m a bit biased against using any type of supplements to increase anything unless you were born with some type of natural deficiency.
Have you seen pictures of me before? All natural baby! I was looking good back in the days and I didn’t have to show it off wearing those tight, some what metro sexual muscle shirts. You don’t want to be like this weird guy..
Roid Head Loves Himself – Watch more Free Videos
If you insist on taking creatine, please let it be known that this is a supplement. Taking too much of a supplement will not give you super human king kong like strengths any quicker than taking the recommended amount. From what I have heard, taking too much will only benefit your accuracy-skills in regards to shooting laser beams from your eye-balls.
For best results, creatine should not be taken with caffeinated drinks. In some research, creatine mixed with caffeinated drinks actually slows the muscle building affects when taken with different type of drinks. Creatine would be best taken with glucose or fructose based drinks.
Your super duper ripped friend,
JC
P.S.- Please note, anything posted here is just for hurmor; so if you decide to drink that 8 gallon drum of creatine and land yourself in the hospital, you’re on your own. Don’t be blaming JC for new found dumbass-ness.
Tags: caffeinated, creatine, deficiency, drinks, natural, roids, soda
Posted in Science/Nature Questions | Comments (0)
Why Am I Not At The Top Of My Friends My Space List?
October 18th, 2008
dear jeesus,
i’m new at this whole my space thing and i already feel left out. why am i not at the top of my friends my space list? i feel very left out. how do i get to the top and not continue to be a “my space loser?”
-tom’s best friend
Dear Tom’s Best Friend,
Just hang in there. Myspace is just like anything else in life; we always have to start from the bottom and it’s up to us to climb up the ladder to accomplish our goals.
Don’t feel so bad, as I have finally created a myspace page a month ago and have been gaining friends here and there. Sure it’s a slow process, but that’s how I would like it to be. I would hate receiving 1,000+ requests a day saying, “I love you Jeesus! You’re so funny! May you please be my friend?!” I can bearly keep up with the 1,000+ requests just from you earthlings requesting ,”I love him, he beats me, should I stay with him?” Ugh! **Shakes head in disbelief**
I guess you’re a female so you have it pretty good for now, as most guys have to filter those strange friend’s request. You know, the request with some “nice” girl name Ashley wanting you to be her friend with a profile picture of her booty bent over, like she wants you to do something crazy to it.
Some times in life, things will come to you but for the most part, it would be best advise for you to create you own path and seek for those particular friends for yourself. Once you create a clear and clean path, usually the same quality of people will soon travel on that same road back to you.
And there is nothing wrong having Tom as your best friend; he has feelings too!
Your Best Bud,
JC!
-If you need a friend, I’ll be there for you. Just send a request to myspace.com/askjeesus.
Tags: friends, list, myspace, people, top
Posted in Social/Political Questions | Comments (0)
Can you Pleeeeeeeeease get rid of my hangover?
October 18th, 2008
omg im so hungover…Hey it’s my birthday Jesus!…so here’s my question…can you pleeeeeeeeease get rid of my hangover…im at work and i cannot function any longer…i have to save lives today…you know how that is….;)
-Carolina
Dear Carolina,
Let me get this straight: It’s your birthday. Today. On a Friday. And you decided to party last night and then show up to work in the morning?
You should have either waited until tonight to party or taken your birthday off from work. Nobody wants to work on their birthday, much less with a hangover.
Why do you think it is that God, after creating the Earth, rested on the seventh day? It’s because He was drunk all day on the sixth! Think about it: He had to be completely wasted to create humans and give them dominion over the Earth! He should have put the dolphins in charge, if you ask me. But I digress…
Sure, I could cure your hangover… if we were in the same room. Alone together. And if I had some massage oil and Marvin Gaye music.
But, unfortunately, that’s not the case. So here’s what you need to do:
1. Drink some hot ginger or peppermint tea with plenty of lemon juice in it. If you don’t have access to tea, try tomato juice. If you don’t have access to tomato juice, try chicken soup. If you don’t have access to chicken soup, try some more liquor. A little hair of the dog that bit you should get you through the day, although I can’t vouch for the quality of your work.
2. Have someone massage your scalp and neck. This not only eases headaches, but it also increases blood circulation and helps clear your system.
3. Swear to yourself that you’ll never drink again. This seems to make people feel better. Do not, however, swear to God that you’ll never drink again. Because we all know that you’re gonna be right back out there tonight sipping tequila shots off the chest of a male stripper named Raul.
If all of that fails, contact me again and I will see if I can come to where you are and work a miracle. I’ll bring the Marvin Gaye CD.
Happy Birthday!
JC
Tags: birthday, cure, drunk, hangover
Posted in Other Stuff | Comments (0)
Why Do Parents Take Away Cell Phones When They Know You Need It?
October 18th, 2008
why do parents love to take away cell phones from kids when they know they need it!!?
and then they expect you to call them to let them know where you are going to be?
-*Luigi*
Dear *Luigi*,
Since when do you need a cell phone? When I was a kid, I sure didn’t have a cell phone. If I wanted to call my buddy Luke, I had to climb to the top of a high hill, cup my hands to the side of my mouth, and yell “HEEEEYYYYY, LUKE!!!!”
Then again, if I wanted to let my dad know where I was, all I ever had to do was fold my hands together and pray…
But, no, you don’t need a stinking cell phone. You ever see those rectangular boxes outside with chewing gum stuck all over them? The ones with a strong odor of stale cigarettes and vomit inside them? Those are “pay phones”. Stick a quarter in the slot, dial the number, and you’ll be fine.
Don’t remember any numbers without your celly? You’re in luck! Half the time the pay phone booth will contain a “phone book”, which is a really thick book with most of the pages torn out of it. The person you’re calling may be listed in there.
But probably not. The only people listed are losers without cellphones. So call somebody else.
Want to text message? Sorry. Try writing a letter. You’ll have to wait longer for that booty-call, but it’ll be well worth it. Chicks dig getting letters.
Anyway, suck it up, you spoiled brat. You don’t know how good you have it.
Gotta go, I’m getting a message on my Blackberry.
Peace out,
Jeesus
Tags: cell, luke, parents, phones, take
Posted in Family Questions | Comments (0)
HELP!!! I Need Help With My Math Extra Credit Question!!
October 18th, 2008
Dear Jeesus,
I need extra credit………for tomorrow
What 4 positive numbers can be added and multiplied to get the same answer. The number is less than 100 and zeros don’t count. They must all be different numbers.
A+B+C+D= AxBxCxD=
Thanks a lot
-Ms. Math Trouble
Dear Ms. Math Trouble,
That’s a very difficult question. Fortunately, I earned two Bachelor’s Degrees from the University of Bethlehem. Luckily for you, one of them is in Advanced Theoretical Algebra. (The other one is in Cosmetology.)
To solve the problem, I had to first had to examine the facts that we know:
1) The four numbers are positive
2) None of the numbers is zero
3) None of the numbers is the same as any other
4) Fried chicken is delicious
5) The sum of the numbers is equal to their product
We first see that 1, 2, 3, and 4 are the only four whole numbers greater than zero whose product does not exceed 100. (1*2*3*4=24, 2*3*4*5=120)
Because these numbers do not fit the criteria (1+2+3+4=10, 1*2*3*4=24), then we have to come to the conclusion that the numbers are not whole numbers. At least not all of them.
Therefore, we know that at least some of the numbers are fractions (or decimals, if you prefer).
From that point everything is easy. Taking into account the deliciousness of fried chicken, it becomes apparent that the numbers are: 1, 2, 1.5, and 2.25.
(1+2+1.5+2.25=6.75)
(1*2*1.5*2.25=6.75)
If you think that’s impressive, you should see my cosmetology skills.
Thanks,
JC
Tags: credit, extra, math, problem, trouble
Posted in School/Work Questions | Comments (0)
Is it possible to fall in love with your bestfriend?
October 18th, 2008
Is it possible to fall in love with your bestfriend? And if so, do you recomend it? Would dating your bestfriend damage your friendship and cause you to hate each other? How do you know you like your bestfriend as more than a bestfriend? I am bestfriends with the most wonderful guy I’ve ever meet. I’ve known him for almost three years now and we get along super well. He’s basically the guy of my dreams. He’s everything I could ever want in a guy plus more….. But what if we mess up our friendship????? HELP!!! •_•
-Cupcake
Dear Cupcake,
I wish Cupid would have referred you to me before Valetine’s so I could make your day even more special but Oh well!
So, is it possible to fall in love with your bestfriend? Sure it is possible. Why not? Anything is possible; people fall in love with their brothers and sisters too! There are even some people who prefer loving their pet animals over people.
Going after your brother/sister isn’t something I would condone, but considering your best friend as a possible candidate for something greater (aka boyfriend) is definitely worth considering.
If you currently trust and confide in each other, communicate your thoughts and feelings to one another, then you already have a great foundation for something even greater than being just friends. Tell your friend how you really feel about him (and hopefully he will do the same) and if you two decide to flourish your relationship into a blossom of love and happiness, just make sure you express your expectations and guidelines.
As long you communicate, I believe no one will get seriously hurt if the relationship doesn’t work out and you don’t have to worry about any of your precious belongings showing up on EBAY and Craigslist.
I wish I could give you a formula of some sort but there are plenty of past examples out there on what not to do such as: Britney and K-fed, Paris and some horny toad dude.
Hopefully I answered your question,
JC
P.S- If it doesn’t work out, I have some interested people lined up here. 
Tags: bestfriend, boyfriend, girlfriend, love
Posted in Relationship/Dating Questions | Comments (0)
Show your Love with Some Stickers
October 18th, 2008
Interested in tagging your neighborhood with some cool stickers? Or you can just pass the word along to your friends with these cool and fresh Askjeesus.net Stickers!
The only thing you have to do is just email us your mailing address to jc@askjeesus.net. We’ll just have to scrub up some change for some stamps and eventually you should receive several stickers from us.
Askjeesus.net Stickers
P.S. – Don’t forget to submit us your questions! Big J is waiting to hear for you.
Tags: stickers
Posted in News and Announcements | Comments (0)
Should I Leave My Current Job For Another Job Opportunity?
October 18th, 2008
Should I leave my current job for another job opportunity?
-Amy
Dear Amy,
You didn’t give me a whole lot of information to work with, Amy. I mean, I know everything of course. But the other readers of the site might have been interested in more details: what is your current job, what is the new opportunity, have you ever been in a threesome, etc.
For all they know, your current job could be this one, in which case almost anything would be an improvement. Or you could be a Senator or a CEO, in which case you have one of the cushiest jobs in the world.
Well, except for Messiah. This job is a breeze. Once you get past that initial rough patch, anyway. I wouldn’t wanna do that again for anything.
But, to answer your question, Amy… IT’S ALL ABOUT THE BENJAMINS!!!
If you have a new job opportunity that pays more, then say good-bye to your old career and move on up like George and Weezy. Unless, of course, your current job might offer you more in the long run.
Or unless the new job is this one. That would just suck.
Hope I answered your question,
JC
Tags: current, job, opportunity
Posted in School/Work Questions | Comments (0)
How Do I Ask My Girlfriend For A Threesome
October 18th, 2008
I’ve been in a relationship with my girlfriend for the past 2 years. She’s a great girl and I do love her, but things are pretty boring in the bedroom. I’ve been wanting to bring up the possibility of having a three some, you know two girls and me. Since this a pretty risky thing how would you suggest I ask her? Any thoughts?
Sincerely,
Chunky lover 67
Dear Chunky lover 67,
It’s not easy to ask your girlfriend for a threesome. As you said, it’s risky. You should probably look into other ways to spice things up in the bedroom.
However, if you absolutely must have a threesome, here are a few sure-fire ways to ask:
1) Wait until she’s not really paying attention, then mumble “Ifyoupromisemeathreesomesaywhat”. She will reply by saying “What?”, and then you can tell her what you said. Tell her that she made a promise, and that you would never break a promise to her.
2) Find out who her girl-crush is. All women secretly have a girl-crush: one woman that they would be gay for. Find out who it is, and get her to offer the threesome. (It’s always better if you’re not the one to offer.) If your girlfriend’s girl-crush is someone famous and inaccessible, find a look-alike. It’s the next best thing. Your girlfriend will get to live out her secret lesbian fantasy, and you’ll get your threesome. It’s win-win.
3) Get your girlfriend in a dark room and start with some foreplay. Have the other girl sneak in and begin performing oral sex on your girlfriend. She will quickly realize that it’s not you, but if it’s done well she won’t pull away. You’ll be good to go.
4) As a last resort, let her have a threesome with you and another man first. No, you say? That’s disgusting? Well, think about how she feels? That’s why you shouldn’t have a threesome in the first place. Unless both people want to.
Just go to your local sex shop. They’ve got some stuff that’ll spice up your love life. I guarantee it, or I’ll pay you a million dollars*.
Good luck,
JC
*P.S. The above guarantee is not valid anywhere on Earth, elsewhere in the universe, or in the afterlife.
Tags: girlfriend, sex, threesome
Posted in Relationship/Dating Questions | Comments (0)
