-Grace

Dear Grace,

This is a very common question, but it is also a simple one to answer. The first thing you need to realize is this: bad breath is a very manly quality to have. My breath didn’t exactly smell like spring flowers when I was on Earth, you know. We didn’t even have toothpaste yet.

So it shouldn’t damage your boyfriend’s self-esteem if you tell him he has bad breath; on the contrary, it should make him feel more like a man. If you really want to make him feel good, tell him his underarms and feet stink, too.

If having such a manly man is a problem for you, however, the best thing to do is to try to determine the source of the bad breath. It could be a medical or dental issue that needs to be diagnosed, or it could be caused by your cooking. (You are cooking for him, right? If not, you should be.) The solution could be as simple as providing plenty of chewing gum and/or mints around the house.

Or point out to him a news article about the long-term benefits of proper dental care, and tell him the article inspired you to brush, floss, and rinse with mouthwash more often. Then do it. The odds are that, if you set the example, he will follow along as well.

If all else fails, completely stop cleaning your mouth at all. Wait for him to comment on your bad breath, and take the opportunity to point out his. Even if this doesn’t work, chances are that your own bad breath will keep you from noticing his so much.

I just hope you don’t have a dog.

Good Luck,

Jesus H. Christ (the “H” is for halitosis)