-Cupcake

Dear Cupcake,

Having straight A’s in school and a job is not enough. You need a job that makes a lot of money, preferably more than your mother makes. Then she’ll have to respect you. I suggest inventing nanobots (microscopic robots) that can clean out people’s clogged arteries. There are a lot of clogged arteries out there, and that heart-butter is like gold for the right entrepreneur. You’ll get rich in no time!

If discovering incredible scientific advances and marketing them for profit is not your strong suit, then you may just need to live with your mother’s overbearing ways. You might have to gain an understanding of why your mother thinks the way she does. I’m sure she’s only trying to protect you from the contagious stupidity that’s spreading around the country. It’s worse than the swine flu, and there’s no vaccine.

Believe me, you’re the lucky one. Most of those kids whose parents let them do whatever they want already have herpes. Even if they don’t, they probably lack the discipline that would have helped them advance in life. So they’ll probably end up as fat slobs who brush their teeth with cookie dough and need their arteries cleaned out by nanobots.

So listen to your mother for a few more years. Before you know it you’ll be an adult, and you’ll be able to do whatever you want. And you’ll probably have enough common sense so that the things you want to do won’t get you a guest appearance on Cops.

Good luck!

JC

D

My first movie is dedicated to you “Mary isn’t a virgin anymore”

Dear D,

I know that times are tough. The other day I offered to turn water into wine for a friend of mine. He said, “Water? I can’t afford water!”

Times are tough.

But that doesn’t mean that you should resort to pornography. True, it is one of the few virtually recession-proof industries. True, the potential exists to make a LOT of money. True, you’ll get to have sex with a lot of beautiful women… wait… what was my point again?

Oh yeah: you’re not gonna respect yourself if you take that route. You’ll feel more like a piece of meat than a man. And not even a good piece of meat like a prime rib. You’ll be a cheap, nasty piece of meat. Like whatever they use to make Slim Jims and Spam.

And what about love? Sex is okay for a while, but soon you’ll wish you had a woman to really care for you. And no good woman wants to be with a man-whore. I’m scared I’ll catch a disease just from reading your email.

There are other good ways to make money. Try starting a ministry, for example. Preachers make DOUGH. Think about it: your customers will come to you every week and give you ten percent of their paychecks plus offerings. In exchange you give them… nothing.

Nothing tangible anyway. It’s actually the most valuable product imaginable, but you have an everlasting supply and very low overhead. You can’t lose.

Besides, the world is already becoming flooded with bad porn. The last thing we need is for you to turn on your faucet. (No pun intended.)

But if you feel like you absolutely MUST become a filthy man-slut, here’s how to tell your family:

Find the box for your favorite “professional” porn film and put a copy of your crappy homemade bootleg suckfest of a movie inside. Then leave it sitting on the coffee table in the living room. When your family members watch it (and they will) they will discover your new “career.” But they won’t be able to say anything about it, because they’d have to admit that they were watching porn. So there will be no awkward confrontation.

Just a lifetime of horrible, ugly shame.

Good luck, D.

Your pal,

Jeesus H. Christ

-Lu Lu

Dear Lu Lu,

School, a full-time job, and family: three quaint essential areas of your life where you don’t want to put on the back burner. You need school because, you don’t want to grow up dumb and even dumber. You definitely need a job unless you’re going to sell off your body parts for cancer and other medical research. You also need family, because you need support and someone to watch you when you grow old and smelly.

Well, something has to give and make way for the other. One thing is a fact is that you can’t give up your full time job. Someone needs to drive that ice cream truck dispensing those yummy bomb pops and firm chocolate tacos. Do it for the kids Lu lu, for the kids!

So that leaves school and your family. Here’s a suggestion: Go to school for a semester and take-off the next semester to be with you family. Unless you live with in-laws, then go to school as much as possible. I can’t stand in-laws in the same house and most likely they can’t stand you. So do them and yourself a favor; stay away as long as possible. You accomplish what you want, and they accomplish what they want which is to rummage through your underwear drawer.

You can thank me later,

JC