-Cupcake

Dear Cupcake,

I wish Cupid would have referred you to me before Valetine’s so I could make your day even more special but Oh well!

So, is it possible to fall in love with your bestfriend? Sure it is possible. Why not? Anything is possible; people fall in love with their brothers and sisters too! There are even some people who prefer loving their pet animals over people.

Going after your brother/sister isn’t something I would condone, but considering your best friend as a possible candidate for something greater (aka boyfriend) is definitely worth considering.

If you currently trust and confide in each other, communicate your thoughts and feelings to one another, then you already have a great foundation for something even greater than being just friends. Tell your friend how you really feel about him (and hopefully he will do the same) and if you two decide to flourish your relationship into a blossom of love and happiness, just make sure you express your expectations and guidelines.

As long you communicate, I believe no one will get seriously hurt if the relationship doesn’t work out and you don’t have to worry about any of your precious belongings showing up on EBAY and Craigslist.

I wish I could give you a formula of some sort but there are plenty of past examples out there on what not to do such as: Britney and K-fed, Paris and some horny toad dude.

Hopefully I answered your question,

JC

P.S- If it doesn’t work out, I have some interested people lined up here.

I am desperatly confused about my current situation. I have secretly been in love with my cousin for about half of my life and it is completely driving me crazy. She has feelings for me as well and we have shared some intimate moments, no we have not had sexual intercourse. However, we have had some hot and heavy moments and we are truly, desperately in love. I’m wondering what sould we do.

Desperatly in Love…with family

PS.
She is my 1st cousin and no I do not live in Kentucky.

-Crazy In Love

Dear Crazy,

Alabama then, eh?

Listen, Crazy, incest may not be as bad as you think. Unlike the ridiculous evolution story that all those whacked-out scientists want you to believe, Biblical history is actually built around incest. Think about it: God created two people. Then they reproduced with one another and had children. Then they reproduced with… who? You can almost hear the banjo from Deliverance, can’t you?

That being said, are you sure you wanna keep it in the family? It might cause too many problems for you in the long run: family alienation, legal hassles, kids with gills…

You should probably find someone you aren’t related to. There are billions of people out there. You’ll find someone that you love just as much or even more.

Besides, people who hook up with their cousins aren’t very popular.

Except for Rudy Giuliani, that is.

Thanks for the question,

JC

I am a dedicated fan. I LOVE your site. When I say that I am supporting it and behind you guys 150% I truly mean it. However, Seeing how God has blessed you both with an incredibly halarious, sense of humor, I think you two should use your tag names instead of “Jeesus.” How about going by something like ‘The Apostles the world never knew about’ -or- ‘13th and 14th Apostles -or- even something along the lines of ‘The Two New Saints’ maybe even ‘A couple of Preachers.’

It’s just as much as I support you guys, as the strong believing Christian that I am (specifically Catholic) I’m not quite sure how using the Lords name doesn’t wager on the border of being somewhat blasphemous even sacrilegious.

Sometimes when were in the midst of our actions and in the actual situation we don’t clearly see that our actions could be wrong…no matter how right or ‘innocent’ it may seem in the moment.

I think you guys are really on to something that could take off…I just think you should ‘tweek’ some of your approaches.

Keep up the good work and thanks for all of the laughs!!!

PS. Please don’t take what I’m saying as an attack on your site; as I said before I am a dedicated fan who’s just concerned about how some might react to the site. And if YOU two are believers how the ‘true’ Jesus might view this. Also, it truly could be viewed as blasphemous and I wonder if we should be laughing at the responses used under the name ‘Jeesus’ even though you’re using 2 E’s as a way around it.

-Concerned Fan

Dear Concerned Fan,

Thanks for the support. As for everything else you said… I’m not touching this one. I’ll let 13th Apostle handle it.

Ciao,

Jesus

Dear Concerned Fan,

First of all, thanks for all the great things you had to say about our site.

And thank you, JC, for making me answer this question. You owe me for this one. Oh, wait, I still owe you for that whole dying on the cross thing, huh? Well, let’s just call it even.

Anyway, Concerned Fan, I can see why you’re concerned. But believe me, TRH and I referring to ourselves as saints or preachers is not the answer. We’re not here to big ourselves up in any way.

Okay, well, the name 13th Apostle is kind of egotistic. But I can’t help it; my mother named me that.

As far as what we do being blasphemous… well, no matter how many times Jesus answers the people’s questions, no one really believes it’s him. Everyone thinks that it’s someone else, or that it’s just TRH and I pretending to be Jesus. Or that me, TRH, and “Jesus” are all the same person.

TRH and I would never try to convince someone that we were Jesus. We make it clear that the site is comedic in nature. On top of that, we strive to blend actual constructive advice with the comedy whenever we can.

And JC’s remarks, while more… humanizing than anything you’re likely to hear in church, are never insulting to himself. He represents himself on our site in as positive a manner as possible.

I think that… in the event that Jesus had nothing to do with the site and just happened to stumble upon it, he would enjoy it. He would probably sue us for trademark infringement, though.

However, Jesus notes that the site is perhaps unfairly skewed toward Christians. Therefore, he is considering providing access to ask questions not only of him, but also of his good friends Confucius, Buddha, and Mohammed.

That way, the scales will be balanced and harmony will return to the universe.

Or maybe not.

Thanks for the question. I hope you continue to enjoy our site.

13th Apostle

Unsure and not confident.

-John Smith

Dear John,

People these days make love so much more complicated than it needs to be. I blame R&B singers. Especially R. Kelly.

Asking me how to tell if you’re in love with your girl is like watching The 40-Year-Old Virgin and asking me how to tell if it was funny. You laughed, didn’t you? Then it was funny.

Or it’s like listening to a Brittany Spears album and asking me how to tell if it sucks or not. You felt like shoving a red-hot poker into your eardrum, didn’t you? Then it sucked.

My point is that no one else can tell you how to know when you’re in love, not even me. It’s something that you just have to know for yourself. But don’t worry about telling her. Don’t even think about it. You’ll probably just blurt it out when the time is right.

As far as not being able to take it back goes: sure you can. If you ever say “I love you” to someone and want to take it back, just pretend that isn’t what you said. Tell her that you said “all of you” or “olive hue” or “I love the view” or “isle of ewe”. Or my personal favorite, “I love Jews”. You can’t lose with that one.

Good Luck,

Jesus

-I NEED LOVE

Dear I NEED LOVE,

That’s a difficult question for me to answer. Next to me, all men look like mentally disabled, pot-bellied pigs. But I guess even some mentally disabled pot-bellied pigs are better than others.

The best way to find Mr. Right, of course, is to make sure that you are Ms. Right. (Unless you’re a gay man. Then you would have to be Mr. Right. And then you could just find yourself.)

What I mean is that the key to finding the best mate is self-improvement. If you work on making yourself a better person, then great guys will be knocking down your door. And then you’ll be asking me how to get rid of all those guys, and how to replace a broken door.

Think of yourself as a car that you’re trying to sell. You love the car, and you want to sell it to someone who is a good match for it and will take good care of it. But you won’t find that person if you let the car get run down. You’ll most likely get someone who will mistreat the car, use it for certain parts, and then trade it in for something better.

You have to take good care of the car, clean it out, give it a tune-up, a fresh paint job, a really good stereo with CD player, TV sets in the seat backs, a GPS system, and some 20-inch chrome rims that keep spinning and spinning and spinning and spinning and spinning even after the car stops. Wait… what was I talking about again?

Oh, self-improvement. That’s the key to finding Mr. Right. While you’re working on yourself, you just might run into him at the gym, or in a cooking class, or in a museum. Get out there and live life, and you’ll find him sooner than you think.

Good Luck,

Jesus

P.S. If that doesn’t work, I have a homeboy I can hook you up with. He lives with his mom though. Let me know.