-Cupcake

Dear Cupcake,

Having straight A’s in school and a job is not enough. You need a job that makes a lot of money, preferably more than your mother makes. Then she’ll have to respect you. I suggest inventing nanobots (microscopic robots) that can clean out people’s clogged arteries. There are a lot of clogged arteries out there, and that heart-butter is like gold for the right entrepreneur. You’ll get rich in no time!

If discovering incredible scientific advances and marketing them for profit is not your strong suit, then you may just need to live with your mother’s overbearing ways. You might have to gain an understanding of why your mother thinks the way she does. I’m sure she’s only trying to protect you from the contagious stupidity that’s spreading around the country. It’s worse than the swine flu, and there’s no vaccine.

Believe me, you’re the lucky one. Most of those kids whose parents let them do whatever they want already have herpes. Even if they don’t, they probably lack the discipline that would have helped them advance in life. So they’ll probably end up as fat slobs who brush their teeth with cookie dough and need their arteries cleaned out by nanobots.

So listen to your mother for a few more years. Before you know it you’ll be an adult, and you’ll be able to do whatever you want. And you’ll probably have enough common sense so that the things you want to do won’t get you a guest appearance on Cops.

Good luck!

JC