Unsure and not confident.

-John Smith

Dear John,

People these days make love so much more complicated than it needs to be. I blame R&B singers. Especially R. Kelly.

Asking me how to tell if you’re in love with your girl is like watching The 40-Year-Old Virgin and asking me how to tell if it was funny. You laughed, didn’t you? Then it was funny.

Or it’s like listening to a Brittany Spears album and asking me how to tell if it sucks or not. You felt like shoving a red-hot poker into your eardrum, didn’t you? Then it sucked.

My point is that no one else can tell you how to know when you’re in love, not even me. It’s something that you just have to know for yourself. But don’t worry about telling her. Don’t even think about it. You’ll probably just blurt it out when the time is right.

As far as not being able to take it back goes: sure you can. If you ever say “I love you” to someone and want to take it back, just pretend that isn’t what you said. Tell her that you said “all of you” or “olive hue” or “I love the view” or “isle of ewe”. Or my personal favorite, “I love Jews”. You can’t lose with that one.

Good Luck,

Jesus

-Concerned Mom

Dear Concerned Mom,

First of all, and this is very important, make sure that she has NO UNSUPERVISED CONTACT WITH R. KELLY.

With that out of the way, make sure she has no unsupervised contact with any other guy either.

Unfortunately, that’s the only way to be certain. Aside from that, just educate her. Have an honest discussion about the risks and dangers of sexual activity. And make sure you’re not being a slut yourself.

Forever Yours,

JC