Posts Tagged ‘virgin’

How Did The “Virgin Mary” Really Get Pregnant?

October 18th, 2008

Dame Homie,

Thought we were keeping it real, what up with the edited response to my last question? That’s kind of like reading a scripture or quote in the bible yesterday, then opening the same bible and reading it again but holy shit its been revised.

Any who, here’s my next question. How did the “Virgin Mary “really get pregnant? Was your dad trying to avoid child support and blamed the Holy Ghost or is Joseph your real father?

-PoBoy

Dear PoBoy,

First of all, let me explain why I edited my response to your last question. Those who are unfamiliar with the site may not realize that I have two assistants who help me maintain it. I’m old-school, man. I’m not very internet-savvy. I can’t even change the songs on my iPod without help.

So I have my two assistants, codenamed 13th Apostle and Railroad Hobo, who maintain the site and type my answers in for me. Occasionally I allow one of them to answer a question, but not very often. Aside from their ability to use the internet, they’re not very bright. On the IQ scale, they’d fall just above Britney Spears and just below a sweet potato pie.

Anyway, 13th Apostle’s girlfriend saw my response to your question and thought that it was too rude. For some reason she blamed him. You remember what they did to me on the cross? That was nothing compared to the treatment 13th Apostle got from his girlfriend. And this time he was paying for my sins.

See, sometimes it’s hard for me to relate to modern sensibilities. Like I said: I’m old-school. In my day, people weren’t so easily offended. I used to make fun of Judas’s stutter all the time. He used to call me “J-J-J-Jesus.” It cracked me up!!!

Now that I think of it, maybe that’s why he turned on me…

But just because I don’t relate to that kind of sensitivity doesn’t mean I don’t sympathize. I sympathized with the possibility that I’d offended someone, and I also sympathized with 13th Apostle, who had to listen to his girlfriend’s incessant nagging.

So I edited the response a bit, to make it more “polite”. The essense of it is still the same. You said it’s like reading a revised Bible? Well, do you know how many different versions of the Bible there are? And good luck finding one that’s faithful to the original text. So consider the revision to be the King James Version of my response. A little bit different, but what the hell. It’s all you’ve got.

Now on to your second question: you wanna know if my momma was really a virgin. You wanna know if God was really my father, or if Joseph was.

I almost wanna call Maury Povich. God and Joseph could go on the show and take DNA tests to determine paternity. Imagine the look on God’s face if Maury said, “God, you are… NOT the father.”

Unfortunately that won’t work, because Joseph is dead and God has no DNA. So I’ll just have to tell you.

It doesn’t matter who was the biological father. God wasn’t working in the fields to support me, or rubbing my mothers feet when she got tired. That was Joseph. God didn’t teach me how to throw a fishing net or build a chair. That was Joseph. God didn’t show me his drawings of naked women when I turned sixteen. That was Joseph.

As for my mother: c’mon, man. That’s my mother! I can’t tell you if she was knockin’ boots! I don’t even like to think about it!

The important thing is that I’m here, and you’re here too.

And we all know that your momma was knockin’ boots! Hahaha!

Thanks for the question,

Jesus

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Did You Die A Virgin? Is It Okay To Have Freaky Sex?

October 18th, 2008

Hey JC, did you die a virgin? i only ask because that whole thing about waiting untill your married is impossible. i love it. also is it ok to have freaky sex?

-Nacambus

Dear Nac,

It’s not impossible to wait until you’re married; it’s just highly improbable. Especially with the bodies on these chicks, nowadays. It’s gotta be the hormones in the beef…

But it can be a measure of your strength to abstain from sex. It’s something that you can feel good about. I’m sure that all your guy friends will admire your willpower when they’re discussing their sexual exploits and you proudly step forward and say, “I’m waiting for the right woman!”

And just because something feels good doesn’t mean it’s good for you. There are a lot of permanent conditions that you can catch from having sex: AIDS, herpes, parenthood… the list goes on. So sex is not something to enter into lightly. There’s also the danger of having regrettable sex. Most people who’ve had sex have had sex that they regretted afterward. You can avoid that risk by abstaining altogether.

Just don’t be like all these Catholic priests who are telling me they’re not having sex, then they’re turning around and raping the altar boys. That’s not cool with me, man. If you can’t keep it in your pants, I’d much rather you have sex with a consenting adult.

As far as freaky sex goes, if you’re having sex it might as well be freaky. It doesn’t matter to me. Straps, whips, gags, creamed corn, it’s all the same to me. I draw the line at animals, though. Some people are just sick.

As far as whether or not I died a virgin… didn’t your preacher tell you that I did? Isn’t that enough for you? Hmmm… Let me put it this way: if I did have sex (and I’m not saying I did), then I was married at the time (and I’m not saying I was). And I rocked her world (assuming it happened, which I’m not saying it did.)

Phew!

Hoping I answered your question,

Jesus

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Posted in Relationship/Dating Questions | Comments (0)